Bat Shit B

Something stirs my being
My balance
My drive

I stumble
I trip
I try to brush it off

My mind circles back
The loops on repeat

I’ve lost control
She’s taken over

Worse case scenarios slip in
I’m shaken to my core

I need to find quiet
I slip into my dreams
Hopeful to wake refreshed
Yet she’s there
Puppeting the characters

I wake confused
Distraught
Miserable
How could she allow me to go there

I try to stifle the noise
My mantras on repeat

I reach for you
You know exactly what to say
What to ignore
When to let me be
For that I am thankful

Hours slip by
I gain perspective
Mindfully facing reality
My awareness is essential

Let go
Let be
Love.

 

Off the cuff

Remember when:

~You told me you never knew I was funny.
Apparently my sense of humour didn’t show in that 16yr span of knowing me.

~My sister called me a narcissistic sociopath.

~You used to say, “Don’t slam that door or I’ll slam you.”
Then one day you decided to switch it up and yelled, “Don’t bang that door or I’ll bang you.”
Pretty sure I died of laughter and you of embarrassment.

~I was so out of it I tried to shove a second tampon into my snatch.
Jesus lord the shit woman suffer through.

~That guy called you a cunt!
Don’t fool yourself MP, it’ll happen again and I’ll likely be there instigating it.

~That guy told me he was a writer and I sent him the link to this blog and I never heard from him again.
Whoops, shoulda warned him!

~You were 18 and thought a pound of rocks weighed more than a pound of feathers even after it was thoroughly explained to you.
Stupid is forever stupid I tell ya.

~That guy asked us to watch his phone and we decided to snoop and take selfies.
Sorry S, he probably jerks off to those selfies now!

~We had a threesome and high fived after.

~You went on a first date with that chick who showed up with a fox tail on.
Yup that’s right we live in an age of lost Millennials.

~I told you I had a kid at the end of our first date and your eyes almost fell out of your head.

~I fired that girl in the Starbucks line up.

~I was taking a shower at the gym and somebody took an explosive dump at the same time.
I swear I couldn’t get myself clean enough after that.

~That girl got so drunk and we woke up to her squatting in the middle of your living room floor taking the longest pee of her life then she passed out in it.

~I told you that my pussy was going to die while waiting on that guy to get back.
I’ll let you know how that turns out.

~You told me I’d still make a sexy fat person.
Remember that shit D! 😉

~You offered to leave a steamer on that guys lawn for me.

 

Plenty of Fucks

Meet Douchebag #2

Yes this one takes the #2 spot as the official douchebag #1 standing is reserved for another special someone. My hope is that douchebag #1 will relinquish the title one day but as long as he keeps being a selfish prick he’s claimed his stake.

#2 is well rehearsed, as most are. He initially woo’s me with his travels of the world. We hang out a couple times before he invites me to a friends birthday party. At first I am hesitant as I’m not one to move so quickly but I rarely get a Saturday night off and find myself entertaining the idea. I inquire about what the night may entail and he lets me know that it’s a gathering at his close friends house. #2 is only a couple years younger than me so I mistakingly assume it’ll be a chill hang out with some like minded people. I’m pretty easy going and can make new friends quite effortlessly so I decide to join.

I work till 9:30 so I make arrangements to pick him up around 10, as he’s on my way. When I arrive we get to chatting and I realize his speech is slow and his eyes are glazed over. We hit up the liquor store and as soon as we get into the car he cracks a beer. Ummm, ok I guess he can’t wait. This is the opportune time for me to ask how much he’s already drank or if he’s smoked up. He says he’s not high which makes me realize he’s hit the sauce a bit too hard before my arrival. I brush it off and we make our way to his friends house which he struggles to find.

The red flags start slapping me in the face. When we finally find the place I park and he slams the rest of the beer, opens the car door and throws it out. What the fuck dude, how old are you? I get out and grab the can, noticing his exit from the car is slow and laboured. Jesus, this asshole is wasted, fuck me! My inner dialogue is fierce by this point. “Ok B relax, just have a couple beers and hopefully you’ll meet some cool people.” We make our way to the front door and as I go to grab the doorknob the door flys open and a chick comes falling out. “HOLY FUCK B you are at a twenty-something house party! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! What did you get yourself into?!”

We make our way through the hoards of 20yr olds dashing out the front door to make an appearance at the bar and I’m gritting my teeth at this point. “Take a deep breath B, just have a drink then get out.” Lucky for me as I make my way in I notice that the remaining crowd is around my age and I begin to relax. I crack a beer and find myself talking to a pretty cool chick. We are deep in conversation when #2 obnoxiously interrupts us. He has verbal diarrhea and before I know it he’s spewing about how my priorities are different than theirs, that I have a kid and my free time is valuable. What that shit, literally, this guy is a stinky turd. We ignore him and continue talking when another person joins. #2 fucking does it again, introduces me and basically says the same thing to this guy. Ok asshole, why are you trying to out me? Like these people even need to know I have a kid let alone the fact that he is making me out to be some fucking snotty bitch who’s too good to be here.

This is when my efforts to convince him to leave commence. I figure if I can coax him to go back to his place and fuck, I could bolt out of there. Basically my thoughts surrounding the way it would go down would be that after arriving at his house, he’d exit my car and I would speed off into the night, haha! Nope this guy is stupid drunk and probably knows he wouldn’t even be able to get it up at this point, so he wards off my proposals. We are not even an hour into being there and #2 starts becoming belligerent. He’s pointing and making fun of people for no apparent reason. I am mortified. You know that guy who shows up at every party without an invitation. The one nobody wants to be around. Well holy shit I came to the party with that guy. FUCK ME!

It was only a matter of time before #2 decides to crack his 2/6 of gin. “Shit think faster B, you gotta get out of here.” He can barely hold onto the bottle so I try the good old swap out. I grab the 2/6 and put a beer in his hand. Nope that doesn’t work, he gets annoyed with me and snatches the 2/6 out of my hand. Sure as shit, within a minutes time he’s unknowingly pouring the gin onto floor in front of me. I grab for it and he snaps at me like a child, waving me and the mess off. What a disrespectful little prick, doesn’t even have the decency to try and clean it up. I make haste and clean the mess up then I ask where the bathroom is. “Yes B, go to the bathroom and make your escape!” I sneak to the back of the house and unlucky for me there is no exit. My only alternative is the hope that #2 is distracted when I get back so I can sneak out the front. Well just my luck, as soon as I walk into the living room he’s locked eyes with me. FUCK!

At this point there is no way I could even try to gracefully leave. He is so plastered that he will surely make a scene or try to leave with me. I have no choice but to solicit the help of a stranger, the girl I initially found conversation with when I arrived. “Look, I’m too fucking old for this shit. Will you please help distract this asshole so I can get the fuck out of here.” She sees the desperation in my eyes and decides to help me. She coaxes #2 into the kitchen to share his 2/6 with the other partygoers. As soon as he’s got his back to me she turns, looks me dead in the eyes and says, “RUN!” You bet your fucking ass that’s exactly what I did. I dash for the front door where I am able to quickly dart behind a half wall for coverage in case this derelict decides to turn around. I grab my shoes, swing the front door open and run barefoot down the street. I get to my car in lightening speed and haul ass to my friends house.

Almost an hour later I receive the first of many texts, “Where are you?” Did this fucking moron just realize that I was gone? I turn my phone off and when I leave my friends place I notice a few more texts but don’t bother to look. In the morning I realize he’s been blowing my phone up until 4:30am. 10+ messages, 14 missed calls and a voicemail. I can’t stop laughing at the voicemail, “Nice B*, classy, just classy!” Oh my gawd dude are you serious, calling me classy? Obviously I ignore it all in the hopes that he disappears off the face of the earth. Nope, it could never be that easy for me. He texts me a couple days later asking me what happened. Seriously #2 if you even have to ask me that question an explanation isn’t worth my time. Another week rolls by and he texts me again, “Hey. Are you ready to hang out again?” HOLY FUCK I have a stalker on my hands, I block his number.

This whole debacle happened early in the new year. Fast froward to a few weeks ago and I find myself downtown, on a bench, headphones in, sipping a tea, and reading a book. Somebody taps me on the shoulder, I turn around and I’m starring #2 in the face. “Argh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.” He tries to strike up a conversation and I begrudgingly entertain him.
#2- “Hey it’s so nice to see you.”
B- “Ok.”
#2- “I just wanted to say sorry for the way our relationship turned out. I really liked hanging out with you.”
(Relationship???…What planet is this guy living on?)
B- “Ya.”
#2- “I’m on my way to a friend’s wedding.”
B- “Ok.”
#2- “You look like you’re enjoying your summer, got a lot of sun. You look great.”
B- “Ya.”
I nod motioning for his departure and turn back to my book, put my earbuds in and laugh out loud. Holy shit this guy doesn’t have a clue.

A week passes and I find myself back downtown with my little in tow. There is an event in full swing and we are making our way through the crowds of people. We pause to take a break and I am not fucking kidding, somebody taps me on the shoulder. I turn around, “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU AGAIN?!”
#2- “Hey!Look at that, we bump into each other again.”
No words are spoken, I look at him dumbfounded and immediately turn my back to him. The fucking audacity to bother me when I’m with my little. Get fucked buddy, I hope you trip and fall on your dick, paralyzing it.

 

Magic Pussy

This bitch is likely much more entertaining than me so she deserves her own entry and I know she’s itching for it. Where do I even start with this one? Let’s just say from the first time we hung out I knew we were gonna be fast friends. We have quite a lot in common, we are brutally honest, upfront and slightly aggressive, we are single and both have a douchebag #1. When it comes to get togethers the stories are never ending and hilariously inappropriate. Lets just say that when you develop a friendship like this off the hop you never know where it’s going, up, down, left, right or totally fucking sideways, all of which are extremely acceptable and adoringly real. You know how you always have that friend who makes you look better, well she makes me look like a prude, she’s such a slut, haha! On the other hand when it comes to being an asshole I top her on that, so it’s a great balance. After our first hang out she quickly earned the nickname magic pussy and she will forever be haunted by it. I will likely graffiti her tombstone with it. Seriously this woman has it going on! She’s basically free willy in a sea of men, snatching whom she pleases whenever the urge overcomes her magic pussy.

~Sunday Funday
Saturday night rolls around and I find myself drinking beers, smoking a cigar and writing. As per usual this bitch is harassing me through text and Instagram messages. I open Instagram and she’s shoving a selfie down my throat. My response, “Fuck off with those sex eyes on me LOL” We exchange a couple messages trying to nail down a visit for the next day. Then I randomly disappear to finish an entry and stop responding to her. In the morning I look at her Instagram message, “Did you block my cell number or something ahahaha” Then a couple texts roll in while I’m having a tea with S in the morning, “Hey asshole answer your text messages” “You’re a dick ahah”. We decide to meet for lunch and this bitch rolls in with stories pouring out of her trap. The restaurant is full, almost every table around us has a kid occupying one or more seats. We try to whisper but this one gets excited and loud. She’s telling me about a recent guy who has sent her some lovely eye opening, jaw dropping pics so she clearly shares them with me. As per usual details are not spared and all of a sudden the word GIRTH flies out of her mouth and she sure wasn’t talking about somebody’s waistline and at that very moment for whatever reason the fucking restaurant seems eerily quiet. My eyes almost fall out of my head and I am doubled over on the table uncontrollably laughing which sure doesn’t help the cause as I bring even more unneeded attention our way. She is so embarrassed, and her face turns bright red but she promptly joins in the laughter. Clearly she could care less considering she randomly and abruptly blurts out girth as we are getting ready to leave. Yes the immaturity factor will always be there, even when you get to call yourself a grown ass woman.

~Nooooo, My eyes!!!!
MP- “Here’s some girth for you.” Picture attached.
B- “Duck” Autocorrect
B- “Fuck, ahhhhh. I thought that was an animal. Also dude spare me the dick pics, I don’t need to see what you’re inhaling! Face and body shots’ll do.”
MP- “LOL Ahahahaha I haven’t inhaled or put that one anywhere yet btw.”
B- “Emphasis on YET!”

~Who are you?
He pulls MP in for what she thinks is a friendly hug goodbye but he’s holding on, longer than usual.
MP- “What’s going?”
He holds her tighter.
MP- “Seriously tell me what’s going on!”
Him- “Just like you don’t want my love. I don’t want your friendship.”
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, get a life!

~Selfies
B- “Morning biotch. I miss your face and your magic pussy stories”
Apparently MP thinks I want to see her face all the time and sends me a selfie.
B- “Nice to see your face. But I won’t be falling for your magic pussy so stop giving me those eyes.”

~Prison
B- “Ugh I’m ten days late.”
Relax it’s due to stress but annoying either way. I mean who fucking knows I wouldn’t put it past life to artificially inseminate me.
B texts MP later that day- “Fuck ya this bitch got her rag”

~Just another Instagram exchange
MP- “I may have found a prince amongst the tinder frogs.”
(FYI she didn’t. The bitch was fooling herself!)
B- “Fuck off. I wish. Gawd I have stories lol. I am striking out but honestly don’t give a fuck. I’m over it.”
MP- “LOL I’m about the same. I’ve deleted the app”
B- “Fuck me I’m swiping right now. I’m ridiculous.”
MP- “Ahahahahahaha I love you. You’re the best.”
B- “I hate that hot guys have so much choice lol. If I could just get my hands on them I’d give them my magic pussy like you and bam they’d be mine. Bahahahahahaha”
MP- “LOL my pussy is not magic ahahaha”
B- “Ya it is dude, don’t sell yourself short. We’re one of a kind.”
MP- “100%”
B- “Wham bam thank you ma’am. Nailed it.”
MP- “Literally”
B- “I wanna start a blog but maybe you should. I’d read that shit. Sexcapades of the magic pussy”
MP- “Not gonna write a slut blog”
B- “Hmmmm. I’ll write it then. I’ll gain a slut license. Whoop. K off to bed magic pussy. Night”
MP- “Ahahahaha you’re the best. Night”

~Read my edit
MP- “I’m really not that much of a slut.”
B- “Dude being a slut isn’t a bad thing. You are taking control of your sexuality. Good for you.”
MP- “Makes me sound super vain too.”
B- “Pffft I am too.”

 

Family Sitcom

A recent visit from my folks proved to be pure entertainment filled with uncontrollable laughter. Anybody who is privy to my family dynamic knows that my mother is usually the butt of our jokes. Our lack of sympathy and inability to spare her for our own entertainment proves to be quite laughable and unique. My father and I have the same dry sense of humour which entails brash sarcasm so we very much feed off one another. Unlucky for you guys I didn’t clue into writing down the antics of this visit until the last two days so I’ll do my best to share a few juicy ones. Bare in mind that the humour in all of this may not register for the people who have yet to meet my mother in person.

~Proceed with Caution
My brother calls a few days before my parents arrival in an attempt to warn me of my mothers current state. He reminds me to be patient and kind to her but we both already know if anybody in the family can handle her these days it’s me because I have little to no contact with her. He also claims that he is good with her but in all honesty that’s only if he’s sober, haha! Otherwise he is known to get in some harsh one sided religious quarrels with her. They are one sided because it’s him drilling her while she tries to ward him off. I have 5 siblings so you will soon come to see that the dramatics of my family is slightly fucked up but thoroughly entertaining.

~Dashed Dreams
When my folks arrive you bet your ass my dad has a story about their plane ride. Apparently when they checked in they realized they weren’t seated together and instead of my dad remedying the situation for my mother he found himself texting my sister, celebrating his victory. He clearly underestimated my mother whom got on board and immediately started to solicit the help of others to accommodate her needs. The way my father describes this classic situation to his brother over the phone has me doubling over in laughter.
“They literally moved five people around on the plane to get us to sit together. That god damn Westjet, that’s how friendly they are. They had all these people moving around.”
”Oh I guess your wife is really anxious when she flies.”
“Ya that’s why I don’t want to sit with her.”
“But we ended up together anyways so it was a horrible flight.”

~She is oblivious
When I am getting my parents settled into their room my mother realizes that she won’t be able to get into the bed. My bed has a pretty high frame and she only stands at maybe 5’ and 200+lbs. I tell her I’ll get a stool and she brushes me off saying that it’ll be ok because my dad will help her in and out of the bed. My dad and I dart one another a look of horror. Let’s just say I planned to save my dad’s back and quickly retrieved a stool with a huge smirk across my face.

~I got skills
My father and I had plans to make a day trip up to see his brother. My mother “thinks” she wants to come and it doesn’t take much for me to convince her otherwise. Obviously I am mindful and kind in my efforts but lets just say there is no fucking way in hell I was going to be stuck in a car with her for three hours on top of her being part of the visit. Basically this woman isn’t mentally or physically fit anymore. Wait, I’m not sure she ever was but either way she should only be taken in small doses.

~My #1 Meng
While on our day trip up to see my Uncle, my dad and I talk non stop, we have a lot to catch up on. I haven’t had a one on one, face to face visit with him in a year. When I lived in our shit hole of a small town I used to try and have lunch or coffee with him on a daily basis, I miss the old man. I’ve been gone for almost eight years and I only get to see him once a year if I’m lucky. As I’ve grown into adulthood I have found myself able to speak my truth to him in the most honest and straightforward manner imaginable. I am lucky to have such a deep connection with him. Of course there are details and stories I spare him, I mean he is my dad! Anyways as we are driving back home I find myself telling him that I’m bisexual and that I haven’t found that chick who’s made me full blown lesbian yet. Believe me this isn’t as awkward as one may think, it was like conversation in passing, likely due to the fact that my brother is gay and has already paved the way so anything to follow isn’t that big of a deal. Thanks for that bro, love ya!

~Icky
At one point I am at the park with my dad and my little. A couple strolls by and decides to strike up a conversation with us. The woman eventually says, “And who are you guys,” gesturing at the three of us, clearly wondering our relation to one another. I will paint you a picture. My dad is a 60+ caucasian male, I am a 30 something asian(half) female and my little has blonde curly hair. No lady I ain’t his male order bride!

~Senile
We are downtown and my mother is adamant we find a Chinese bakery so she can get her fix. Once inside the bakery my mother is distracted and talks nonsense to the person trying to assist her. I have to intercept as my dad grows impatient out of embarrassment. Not only do we have two actual children with us, my little and my nephew, it is becoming obvious that she is no doubt the third. She’s pointing and muttering about the deserts in front of her. I have to get “down” to her level and start speaking clearly and loudly, interpreting her needs to the bakery assistant. Noise seems to distract her even more than the tasty deserts in front of her so I have to sternly ask the rest of my party to be quiet so I can assist her in getting what the fuck she wants so we can get out of that small confined space before my dad figures out how to build a bomb and blow that shit up. He has zero patience for her when she embarrasses him. You can only imagine why my dad loses his marbles once and awhile considering he has to deal with her on a daily basis. I finally get her to pick what she wants and I herd everybody out the door. Once outside I sympathize with my dad in the fact that he is caring for a child. He makes light of the situation and tells me he just distracts her with chocolate or something shiny to get her attention while he is gesturing as if throwing seed on the ground for a bird. He has me in stitches because the sad reality is that it’s seriously true.

~Coincidence?!
As my mother zones out on a Netflix series my dad and I find ourselves deep in conversation. Every once and awhile my mother throws her two cents in which surprises me considering her attention span is of a spastic dog. At one point my dad is telling me about my brother in laws mother who is quite sick and my mom loudly and abruptly says, “They should just shoot at her!” I can’t even begin to portray the look of utter shock and disbelief on my face. My dad quickly interprets her craziness saying, “She’s talking about the show she’s watching!” Talk about the best coincidence ever!!! This was indeed one of the most hilarious scenarios in their whole visit. My father and I repeatedly and randomly double over laughing about it the rest of the trip. We use the phrase, “They should just shoot at her!”, any chance we get.

~Pure cheese I tell ya
We are at the beach and my mom is telling me about the beaches back home saying,”Some of the beaches…” and my dad interrupts her. *Insert Italian accent* saying, “Son of a bitches!” I fall to my knees laughing. I walked the next stretch of the beach laughing out loud, on the verge of tears. This is likely due to the lack of sleep and possible traces of alcohol still in my system but it was hilarious non the less. Google “The Italian man who went to Malta”

~”What the fuck?!” moments

I am digging around in the fridge and hear a car alarm going off. I question if it could be my car and my mom pipes up and says, “It’s probably the fridge!” Say WHAT?!

“I just saw a bird and thought it was a plane!” How the fuck?

My dad hands my mother the menu at the restaurant and she says, “What’s this?” Seriously?

~Dearly departed

As we are pulling into the airport my mom is insisting for the umpteenth time that she needs to get a seat next to my dad. My dad mumbles from the back seat but I can’t quite hear him over the music and my brain registers something completely out to lunch, “Ya, ya not before I punch you in the tits.” I was dying of laughter. He actually said, “Ya, ya before we punch the tickets.” It was clear that we were all exhausted by this point in the day. Farewell folks, until next time!

 

 

Douchebag #1,2,3… Take a number please!

Meet Navy Douchebag #1 from Plenty of Flops

This one only has a distant picture of himself on the beach, basically a silhouette. His write up is full of self reflection, awareness and being mindful, in an effort to show all humanity love and compassion. Well shit if you know me I am clearly a sucker for this. I take a stab and we engage in some back and forth in the hopes to see what this guy is all about. Hmmm there is no doubt he talks the talk. I question him about the vague picture and he says he has to be careful due to his line of work. I can respect that and remind myself that it’s not all about looks and decide not to push the picture issue. Well it soon becomes obvious that not having a picture should have been a cut and dry red flag but I guess that was going to be a lesson I was about to learn. Anyways we are chatting for a few days and the conversation goes slightly sexual. Nothing intense but I decide to play along, giving a little to entice him. No harm in a bit of fun or so I thought. The exchanges are short and sweet before we nail down a time and place to meet.

I arrive to the restaurant first, waiting only a few minutes as the excitement mounts. This is my second official date I had ever been on in my 33yrs of life! Here I was on a blind date that I set myself up on. Well SHIT, he walks up and there is no question I am not remotely physically attracted to this guy. Ok whatever not a big deal nobody is asking you to bang him after the first date. Just have a drink with this guy and maybe the conversation will at least be worth it. Argh, as soon as he opens his mouth I wanna spit in it. He is repulsively rehearsed, contrived and boring as hell. We make small talk and we are maybe 45mins in before he abruptly and inappropriately stops me mid story and says, “Are you a sexual person??” Fuck me, are you stupid B, do you have dumb-ass written on your forehead? I look at him bewildered but I sure as shit do not acknowledge that he’s even uttered a whimper. He obviously doesn’t make any further attempts and I later come to figure out that it isn’t out of embarrassment but stupidity. When I’m done my story I look down at my phone for the time. He points out that I still have another hour. Why the shit would I have told him my sans little time frame. It’s occurring to me quite quickly that I was going to have a steep learning curve when it comes to dating 101 and this douchebag was going to be a good teacher of what not to do. I tell him I should head out so I can be home to put the little down. I ask for the bill and we finish our one and only drink. Sip up buddy because this will be the last time I sit face to face with you. The bill comes and I politely say that I’ll get it, of course with every intention to pay because I’m cool like that! He shoves the bill towards me without hesitation or the slightest inkling to be a gentlemen and at least make an attempt to pay, even for his own drink because at this point it was blaringly clear that this was a waste of time(to me). Anyways this oblivious dickhead didn’t even have the decency to thank me. At this point I can’t fully blame him for being disappointed that I wasn’t willing to play along, considering I set myself up by going into sexual talk before meeting him. Clearly in retrospect I should have at least pushed for “real” pictures to know if there was at the bare minimum a “picture attraction”, which we all know is a risk in itself, before leading him on if you will.

We head out front and when he turns to say goodbye I put my hand out in a gesture to be polite, totally unsure what protocol for these types of situations would be. I will come to learn that a wave goodbye or a middle finger suffices in these situations. I seriously didn’t want to be rude and couldn’t think of anything better than a hand shake for the waste of time. Well this one pulls me in for a goddamn bear hug. He is much taller and bigger than me, standing over 6ft, weighing in over 250lbs. Once in his grips he takes an aggressively audible inhale of my hair and moans, “Mmmmmmmm!” I immediately shove him an arms length away. If you think about how that may have looked, when I shove him away in disgust I cocked my head up slightly. FUCK ME, that was an invitation for him to grab my arms, pull me in and plant a disgustingly WET kiss on my pursed lips. I shove him again and god damnit I unintentionally cock my head again and this fucker throws a quick kiss on me AGAIN. This time I gain my footing, shove him as hard as I can by throwing my whole body weight into him, able to gain enough distance and have him lose his grasp on me. I blurt out, “Keep it in your fucking pants,” as I beeline away from him. I spit and vigorously scrub my lips with the sleeve of my sweater in utter horror and in plain view no less. I mindfully and carefully make my way to my car, sure he doesn’t have a birds eye view of me at this point, considering I may have a sexual stalker on my hands. I couldn’t stop laughing at how the whole night went down and how ridiculous this guy was. I was sure that would be the last I’d hear from him. Well I was sorely mistaken. This moron had the gull to text me the next afternoon to ask me how I felt about him because I was a hard read. WHAT THE FUCK, a hard read?? What universe does this guy live in? Was he high? I clearly did not respond and I was thanking the stars that he never reached out to me again.

Fast forward almost a year and I’m at work moseying around when I come up to a couple from behind to ask them how their day was. Sure as shit it was Navy Douchebag #1. I was a deer in headlights and couldn’t even bear to look him in the eyes out of fear that my gag reflexes would have failed me and I would have involuntarily puked on his shoes. I waited for the woman to respond before bolting to the other side of the store, praying they wouldn’t ask me for help. Thankfully they didn’t even make an attempt to look in my direction again. Clearly I was disgusted as icky feelings came rushing back in. But lets be clear there was an audible sigh of relief followed by laughter once they existed the store. Talk about awkward!

 

POF Profile

Headline: Let’s cut the bullshit

Your Fish personality: Free Thinker

Profession: Nurturer

How ambitious are you: Ambitious (WTF is this question about?)

Longest relationship: Over 10 years

Lifestyle: Drinks socially, doesn’t smoke, owns a car, doesn’t do drugs, non-religious

Body Type: Athletic. (I recall asking T and E both what the hell I should put. What a stupid question when the options are Prefer not to say, Thin, Average, Athletic, A few extra pounds, Big & Tall/BBW. Pretty sure they should allow you to type something for this!)

About Me:

Guess my ethnicity I dare you. Wait, don’t bother; “you” are never right. I’m half Filipina!!

Where to start?

If you can’t handle a strong independent woman with her own views you may move on. I refuse to follow you around like a lost puppy; there’s enough of those in the world for your picking, I ain’t the one! Don’t get me wrong, people that meet me would say I’m easy going and fun to be around! I just like to keep things real by being straight forward and honest to avoid games.

I’m not really into this online scene because I’d prefer our first interaction to be face to face; reality is better! So this is me stepping outside of the box because let’s be honest, where in the world do you find Waldo these days??!! He eludes me in my every day life and I’m definitely not looking for him in clubs. Those weirdos, I mean Waldo’s, can have their nattering Nancy’s. 😉

What intrigues me about this site is finding somebody to go on casual dates with. Laid back is my style, no pressure, no expectations, just fun with the opposite sex!

My lifestyle consists of eating healthy-ish, I can let myself enjoy some chocolate; working out/jogging, not obnoxiously; reading, Buddhism books lately; and enjoying a cup of tea with intelligent conversation.

I’ve lived on the Island for 6yrs and call my home paradise! Unfortunately I’ve spent most of my time invested in work, not making time to meet people.Then I had my little and thus far parks and toy stores don’t seem to be the ideal places to meet men.

My goal is to make more time for myself, life’s too short and I want to enjoy some adult company!

Interets:

Intellectual conversation; Humanity; Dancing like a fool; Music; Good sense of Humour; Somebody who can laugh at themselves; Comedies; Face time over phone time-as in get off of your phone I’m right in front of you; Reality over social media- that’s right I’m only on POF for social media, unreal

Conversation starters:

My first date would consist of easy conversation, food, drinks, a chill evening on the beach!

^^That makes me laugh! So cliche right.

 

***Bare in mind I wrote this awhile back, haha!

 

B to J; to T; to E; to K

Quick back story of my dating life. My first “real” relationship was with J when I was 17 which lasted for just over a year, basically ending due to it moving into a long distance relationship. Lets be honest I’m glad it ended sooner than later, pathetic puppy love. I have some funny stories about that one which I’ll have to share another time. I was in the single and mingling game for maybe 6mnths before meeting T. T was my crutch and I clung to the dream of him for 14yrs. Ahhhhh, my stomach clenches as I type that. I think it will take me another 14+ yrs to fully feel like I own my life again. It’s likely why I keep the idea of being in a committed relationship buried in the deepest, darkest crevasses of my being. There is clearly more back story but I basically feel as though my whole life I have given my power away. I had given that power to my mother for more than the first half of my life, the second chunk I allowed T to control and manipulate. You think I would have learned after escaping T but I didn’t. E then entered my world and for almost a year I allowed myself to be consumed by his desires and needs. In the midst of trying to fully break away from E, I met K. K restored my hope in all aspects of my life, not only in finding somebody who I could be compatible with, sexually and intellectually, but in my personal and professional journey as well. K was part of a major kick start.

Back track to T, clearly a full book would be needed to encapsulate that relationship so for now we’ll let it be. After T left I had zero desire in seeking to replace him. By this point I was starting to convince myself I would be happy if I were single the rest of my life. I was more interested in delving into some major self work. I kept my head buried in my home and work life. I forged a strict routine which consisted of early wakeful hours, reading and being quiet. I started running, around 20kms a week, I completely cut sugar out of my diet and started eating a vegetarian based diet, quickly dropping 10 unneeded pounds. I found myself longing for more time in the day to do the things that I truly loved, I no longer wanted work to be all consuming. I was somebody who had convinced themselves that I NEEDED no less than 8 hours of sleep a night. I soon realized this wasn’t the case and began sleeping a consistent 6 hours a night. Fast track 6mnths into my self work and T has a major heart attack which brings us closer than we had been in years. We are back to being best friends, able to talk openly and honestly about the last 6 months. In that time we kept one another at arms length. We were still friends but kept the details of our personal life out of our interactions. In this time he was telling me about all of his dating adventures and upcoming ones at that. One good share was about a chick that was persistent about having anal sex which I found thoroughly entertaining. I was intrigued yet slightly dumbfounded that I wasn’t allowing myself to explore this aspect of my life. Truthfully I wouldn’t have been ready for it any sooner and obviously looking back on it now I wasn’t ready for it then either. My self work had just begun and I wasn’t strong enough to bring somebody into my life, even if I went into it with the best intentions.

Hello POF, the “dating” site for rejects. Sure, sure there is the odd good bird on there but it’s likely because they don’t know any better, haha! T was on this site and seemingly having fun so I thought why the hell not. It was that very day he had told me about it that I found myself on there setting up a profile. What a tedious task at that, why the fuck did they want all this useless information and to boot I had to write shit about myself. This was a hard feat seeing as I am known for coming off as a difficult read through my writing, I am annoyingly sarcastic. Either way I went into it with the idea of nothing less than having fun and meeting new people.

Enters E, a gentlemen who had me laughing at his first message. There wasn’t much to be said before we were planning to meet for coffee the next day. Whoa ya, you’re likely thinking, desperate. Nah I was far from that but it’s kinda my jam. I’d take a face to face interaction over numerous messages any day. Gets the pathetic, useless ones out of the way quicker. I was straight forward, open and honest in what I was looking for. Basically something casual and fun with no strings attached. I wanted my real life to be separate from my dating life. It wasn’t because I was hiding who I was, my life is an open book, yet it was the idea that I had no plans to include anybody into that aspect of my life anytime in the near future. I knew I still had a lot of self work ahead of me and my down time was essential. Anyways my relationship with E is a whole other lengthy, laughable entry. Basically what I am getting at is the fact that I still wanted to have an open relationship in the aspect that I didn’t want to hold him back from finding his ideal mate which wasn’t me. As long as there was honesty I was down to play. The attempts at dating for E didn’t look like much as it became blarringly obvious that his bar was set so high that he was seriously searching for a unicorn or as my gf would say a miracle. Let’s be honest I was seeing red flags with E from the very beginning but I figured if I could just keep my distance and continue looking for my ideal there would be no harm. Within the year of seeing E I hadn’t been looking very hard, luckily only encountering one major flop of a date, in addition to meeting another guy I ended up staying casual friends with. You’ll hear about that flop of a blind date I set myself up on another time. That’s right reread that sentence!! Anyways shaking E was a miserable dragged out sequence of events which I was fortunate enough to take away some major lessons.

Then K organically enters my world around the time I had ended things with E. I picked K up in the hot tub at the YMCA, oh ya I still got game! Off the hop we are both upfront in letting one another know that we are freshly out of “relationships”(quotations are for E). Neither of us are looking for anything but fun and holy shit talk about chemistry. I seriously never knew what sex could be like with such a fierce attraction, the chemistry was real and we were oozing pheromones. We’d tease one another that we had ruined each other sexually because it was hard to imagine anybody coming near what we had. Even with that connection we knew it was extremely important to let one another be free to explore. Initially it was easy to keep our distance and come at each other casually. Throughout the time I was seeing K I was determined to put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. This became more and more difficult as time slipped by. K and I started to form a deeper connection, a friendship. I found myself being drawn to him but knew the timing was totally off. By this time K had found H and I knew he needed to be free from me to explore what that relationship could look like. I had my ups and downs with desire and reality but luckily came out of it with great appreciation for the way it all played out. Over the year of playing with K I came to appreciate the female form, allowing myself to explore what felt extremely natural. This has now played into what my ideal relationship/scenario looks like…

 

Fuckface

Store full of customers, two associates, one brand new, 5hrs in. I’m stuck on the till but as soon as I’m free, like a pro I make a fast round. I’m now in the midst of helping 4 people and a male gives me the fuck you eyes. Ok asshole here I come, first I shall kill you with kindness but don’t anticipate I’m dropping all others to please you. I zip to the back and quickly make an appearance on the floor again, unloading all that my hands can carry. Of course I intentionally drop to this asshole last. He snatches the shoes out of my hand and beelines to the register. I quickly clean up a mess and catch him out of the corner of my eye, furiously waving his prick at me as if I’m blind as shit. Clearly the world revolves around this asshole as he refuses to grasp the full picture of what is unfolding in front of him. I acknowledge him with a nod and make my way up front. This is where it gets interesting as I’ll only put up with people’s bullshit attitudes for so long. I could give two fucks if you think I should be grovelling at your feet, servicing you. I don’t get paid enough to be treated like an inferior and by you no less. I stay calm and continue smiling my way through the end of the transaction as he cuts me off, scowling and demanding things of me. “Oh you want two bags, one for each pair of shoes?” Fine asshole, this is where I finally give it to him. I throw the receipt towards him and slam the two bags on the counter, mean mugging him at this point. He looks at me stupidly as if he’s dumbfounded that he has to put his own shoes in the bags. I hesitate, waiting for him to say something. Do I walk away and let him be? Nope, I stand in front of him, ignoring him as I go about something on the computer. There’s no way I’d let this piece of shit have the pleasure of seeing me scuttle away, cowering to his will. Oh why so quiet I wonder? Does a taste of your own medicine churn in your stomach?

In an industry where it’s female dominated I find it revolting to see men treat us in such a way. One of the best parts of my job is taking over situations like that, giving it right back. Of course you can get any jerk who decides to take their bad day out on you but more than anything I find it to be the case with men of cultural differences who flat out treat all woman in such a disgusting manner. You bet your ass that I’m the first to volunteer to put them in their place, passive aggressive is my style.

Clearly this specific incident is nothing compared to some of the complete useless human beings I have encountered over the years, the ones who have pushed me to the brink of tears, shaking from exhaustion, ready for utter defeat. Yet as I’ve grown and become more confident and capable I find myself standing taller and prouder than ever, able to deal with the many characters that peruse in and out of my daily life. You’ve seen em, I’ve likely dealt with them face to face. Bring it on!