It seems like yesterday when we made a forever commitment to this project, an intention to do all that was in our power to make this successful. A promise to one another, a respect and understanding for our end goal. An underlying love that I was sure would keep us on the same path. At the time it seemed so simple, a dream for all that we could do. Yet it has become blaringly obvious that I was in fact living a fantasy. I was clouded by my overpowering desire to make this work. It slowly started to cave in the day our project was set forth. The pieces soon became almost impossible to fit, defects no longer hidden. You have always claimed that this was your priority, but every time you are given a chance to step up, you bail. At this point it has become increasingly harder to trust you. Even with direct instruction you still choose the easy route, cutting corners, at the expense of our success. I am so fucking sick of dragging you along, begging and pleading for your help, only to be slapped by reality time and time again. I can no longer hope that your selfish existence will cease, as you prove once again that you are only in it to serve your own agenda. You use and abuse your power and it disgusts me the way you yield this as if it is your trophy. It is only natural for my being to take this on as a failure and feel the pain of your betrayal, but I must concentrate on what lays ahead of me. With or without you, I will succeed. Your games of manipulation and control can no longer break me. I release your mind fucks as quickly as you throw away your promises. At this point I can at least be thankful that my influence and guidance outweighs your shit behaviour and overall absence. The reality is that one day you will be held accountable and answers will be demanded. Your true self will show without a word spoken from me.
Over the last week I have been working through some hard truths and I am finding it extremely difficult to be alone. At first glance I feel foolish as this seems to be the root of my problem. I always distract myself with people when I am going through hardships. I have come to realize that the problem actually stems from WHO I am finding the distractions with. I gently remind myself that it’s ok to be with people as I journey through hard times but it’s clear that I have to be more mindful in who I find comfort with. I need somebody who is stronger than me, who will encourage me to stay on track and be there for me in the right ways. A person who appreciates that I live for routine, and will not distract me from my process to stay healthy.
Since detaching from my 14yr relationship I have found myself extremely discouraged as I struggle to find people who are strict with theirs lives. I have come to learn that I desperately need routine in order to be successful in all aspects of my life. When I tell people what my ideal routine is, I often get sideways looks as if I am an anomaly. Don’t get me wrong I like to let loose and have fun but how I do that is very different from most people. In order for me to benefit from letting loose it needs to be “clean” fun! If unclean distractions, like alcohol or drugs become a constant I falter quite quickly and it then becomes my reality, a reality that sends me on a downward spiral. In times of struggle I become susceptible to unhealthy choices and I am very much the catalyst in my downward spiral. In my most recent slip up I found myself ebbing and flowing on an almost weekly basis which meant that while I was in the midst of it I was still aware enough to keep going back to my routine, or at least parts of it. This resulted in me easily accepting the unhealthy choices as a blip in my reality and in turn I became blind to what it was doing to my emotional capacity to handle stress. My weakened state became evident when I was forced to face an extremely uncomfortable and stressful event that left me feeling helpless. It wasn’t until I gained distance from the event that the aftermath had me spinning. Once I was alone with my thoughts, I felt weak and out of control which emotionally broke me. As uncomfortable as it was to hit such a low I am thankful to be strong enough to gain perceptive and clarity quite quickly. I pride myself in my efforts to be truthful, not only with others but more importantly with myself first and foremost. Yes other people may factor into my journey but at the end of the day I play the biggest role in my life and I need to hold myself accountable for my choices. I must acknowledge my wrong doings in an effort to find my way back to a path of progression. Through this process I have to be kind to myself and accept that I will slip up and appreciate the fact that I come out of it a lot quicker than before. My life truly is such an accomplishment as I have worked fucking hard to become the person I am today. It’s a relief to know that I can easily and confidently come back to such raw awareness, that the path to a better self will forever be here; detour or not, I have the ultimate choice. I live for a progressive state of being and that will no doubtably entail hardship but as long as I can accept all aspects of this journey I will never stop growing.
Venture on B, venture on…!!!
This bitch is waiting on the end game! Wait, what is the end game you ask! That will forever be an unknown because I sure as shit don’t have a clear end game to my dating adventures, and I personally don’t think I should have one. It’s a waste of time to fixate on things that should come naturally and this is why most people face an infinite amount of disappointment in life, due to hokey beliefs. The expectation society smothers us with to have a concrete life plan throws me into a fiery pit of hell. I am far from jamming on anything remotely traditional when it comes to relationships. Don’t get me wrong, at times I let the cluster fuck of thoughts take over and I question if I will forever be single. This is where I could lie and say I give two fucks about being single for the rest of my life, but that surely isn’t my end game. I am clear on a lot of aspects that circle the idea of what a relationship “should” look like. One being that I have no need or desire to settle down with one person for the rest of my life, and I can say that with conviction. It comes back to this idea that has been implanted in us at a young age, to settle with one person for the entirety of our lives. If anything that fucking freaks me out wayyyyyy more than being single the rest of my life. You are likely thinking this stems from my 14yr failed relationship, and yes that is very much why I am such a realist. This is in addition to witnessing my tortured parents sticking it out for the last 40+yrs, as my dad “secretly” waits for my mother to die. Those turds are far from winning life, taking surviving one another to the next level of fucking insanity. The emphasis on LIFE partners is complete malarkey, therefore the vow of till death do us part should never be uttered. I for one stayed in a dead end relationship for years past its due date, all because I thought I owed it to “somebody” to keep trying. I’d say I owed it to myself or to him but in reality we made ourselves miserable with this fucking pathetic notion that it could work. Whoa yeah, bitter much? Slightly jaded, hmmmm, maybe! Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for me shitty half, I am far from perfect. The point is you should never settle for misery in any aspect of your life. Struggle is one thing but there should always be an end to the battle. Yet, time and time again I see couples stay in a vicious cycle of self indulgent torture. How long will you choose to suffer? How many fights will you allow to circle the same bullshit? Do you seriously want this to be your norm? Either fix yourself or gain distance from the problem and take your goddamn control back! Ummm, ya this entry went a little sideways, haha! Don’t get me wrong it took this bitch 14yrs to get shit kicked in the face before I made a change, and even then I initially did it for my little. The reality is that we are forever evolving, or we should be, therefor we have to accept the fact that our relationships must also change. As I continue to journey I have come to understand and appreciate that there are very few relationships that happily stand the test of time. I now consciously try to enter all relationships with little expectation so I can freely explore what we have to offer one another. This in turn leads me to be more successful, as flexibility is key to any adventure. We must be willing to adapt and change when necessary, no matter how uncomfortable it may be; with or without the people in our current life. This outlook stems from accepting that all things are impermanent. This easily translates to our life cycles on earth, so why are we so foolish to think that our counterpart is set in stone for the entirety of our lives? Let me stop you right there, if you are thinking about the good old days and the vows our parents and generations past took, may I suggest you hit your head against a wall instead. It’s ludicrous to compare such generations considering how drastically different our current world is. There is a reason our grandparents or parents had long lasting relationship, those poor schmucks didn’t think they had choice. They were held down by far more fear than our generations. They were never privy to the choice that we now have at our fingertips. May I also remind you that their life span was much shorter than the years we are currently living out.
Let’s get back to my dating shit show. What I seek in a counterpart is somebody who I can adventure with, share funny stories and have a good laugh about life, but more than anything somebody who I can depend on and be vulnerable with. We may only collide for a short adventure or journey for years, but it really doesn’t matter. My current reality is that these Tinder testers are getting a tad old. I am sure anybody who knows me at this point is likely thinking that I’m a fucking idiot because I “date” people on Tinder, and 24yr olds at that, haha! Hmmmm, yeah, no fucking strategic game plan there. This is where I defend my sporadic and unpredictable swiping nature. Tinder is easy because it’s accessible. Yup, you heard it straight from the hypocrites mouth, choice at my fingertip; the Achilles’ heel if you will. There is no doubt that a certain type of person is on Tinder and I am the first to fess up that I am on there seeking an initial sexual attraction. I sure as shit ain’t betting on meeting my soulmate online. Of course I never limit myself to Tinder, it’s just a random perk to my off the cuff approach. I’d much rather jam on somebody more organically. I do this by putting myself out there on a daily basis, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Yet my current reality is that my Tinder adventures seem to be dominating my “dating” game. The convenience of Tinder works for me due to my limited time as I not only have a little but I also enjoy my solo/friend jams, which plays a huge role in my dating debacles. My time restraints hold me back from forming deep, meaningful connections in the fucking warp speed most people go these days. In addition to that my non monogamous approach also plays a huge role, as it ends up affording my causal counterpart the ability to form connections with somebody that has more time to give. There is no doubt that envy rears its ugly head when this occurs. I naturally question what I have to offer, as I have always been my worst critic. Once again, I find myself having to detach as I slowly slip out the back door…onto the next one. This is obviously the hardest part of the process as I have to face some really uncomfortable feelings in order to release somebody who once fit so “perfectly” into my weird little life jam. Luckily its a journey that has become easier…or so I tell myself. I always come back to the reality that everything is impermanent. As long as my once counterpart is happy, it only makes sense I freely let go and let be. It isn’t that I don’t know what I want out of a relationship that has my head spinning but the never ending game of finding the next one. I am sure I would be more receptive to the “revolving door” if I was younger and had the time, but now more than ever I can’t be bothered by the fucking games. I’d rather slam my fingers in the door for the shock value. Ha, who am I kidding there ain’t no pleasure in that kind of pain. Bottom line is that I am getting tired of putting my energy into people, for it to fizzle out as fast as the swipe. It ain’t easy being an adult and I often wonder how the fuck somebody is going to fit into my life but I love the journey nonetheless. If I don’t put myself out there, I will never win the man lottery… or chick lottery; we’ll see which comes first!
Through this process I have learned that it is extremely important to continually reevaluate my game plan, not my end game, as it’s still quite new to me and I have to be sure that I am at least progressing. I know I have a lot to offer and I am a confident prick in that department, so I shall keep on, keeping on. The search continues for my causal, long term relationship…Ya that makes me laugh too, as if there is such a thing!
Venture on B, venture on!!!!
Yes Christmas can indeed bring joy and happiness, but we have all experienced the shitty end of that stick too. The sad reality is that it can go either way, without you being able to control much, except your shitty half of course. Maybe this year it’s that douchebag ex that tears you down, or it’s your selfish family members that have you reeling. The joy of friendship and family can be lost quite quickly. This is all due to the hype and unrealistic expectations which is your first mistake. Then your inability to let go of the control and realize that there are a lot of fuck heads playing the game too, ends up being your second mistake. Ok, so at some point you let it be and go with it. Food is served and drinks are flowing. Yup this is your third mistake, amping up your pathetic emotional state with booze. The night eventually rolls into sarcastic jokes that you can’t handle and the yelling ensues, followed by somebody in tears. I’m laughing as I write this, because this is all too common in my difunctional family, as to why I don’t spend Christmas with them. Although I will be honest it is very much about the kids now, so food is eaten, a drink is sipped and we peace the fuck out. Look at us finally adulting, for the sake of our kids and our own sanity.
What the dream of Christmas looks like to me now… Shenanigans and good old Tomfuckery! This is how I see my night rolling out, in no particular order of course.
Stories that have you slapping your knee and doubling over with laughter.
Dance offs like nobody else is watching, cause likelihood is that nobody is seeing straight at that point anyways.
Eating contests that have you spitting food across the table as you try not to vomit.
Undecorating that pristine hokey Christmas tree of yours and making it look like a hot fucking mess.
Making snow angels and/or snowpeople with big ol tittys and well endowed penis’.
Insisting your kids smash those ginger bread houses or I will.
Board games that have underlying sexual content because I’m playing, or straight up inappropriate content because I supplied the game.
It also only makes sense that the end of the night would entail taking your clothes off; some or all, take your pick!
You bet your ass I would do all of that but only with the people I choose, not the sad saps you assholes are forced to spend Christmas with. The reality is that you still have your stupid traditions and I find myself solo jamming. All good my friends, I shall find my own fun and shove it down your throats through social media, yahoooeeee!
Since the above Shenanigans is likely not many peoples reality, I can’t be bothered by the Christmas season! I’d rather come together any other day. The expectation and pressure makes me cringe. Not only is the prep and anxiety that goes towards this day not worth it, you watch it slip away in a breath with little to no appreciation. Shame on you for being the sucker that paid for that shitty ride. Lessons are never learned and the tradition trudges on. I am thankful that I never grew up with holidays, therefore the stupidity isn’t imbedded within my being. I let all the worry and fuck yous melt away and find myself loving my solo jams!
~Peace out Christ-ass!
Did you know I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness?! I mean my parents were at least pretending to be part of the clan. They stopped partaking in the rituals when I was a preteen. I always joked that they became JW’s because they couldn’t afford holidays with 6 kids. Basically my parents were weak as shit and had no community to support them so they were easily persuaded to the evil depths of religion. NO, I do not know much about the cult and have zero desire to entertain the idea of any religion. I recall when I was younger, my girlfriend would tell me that if I didn’t believe in God, I’d go to hell! I think she failed to realize that they were living their own personal hell, being deceived by that bullshit jargon. Anyways, I don’t give two fucks wasting another breath on it. The point of this rant is circling back to the Holidays and how that has formed my ability to appreciate them in a different manner than most. I have zero expectation or desire when it comes to them, therefore the stress and disappointment that rolls out for most is easily bypassed. Monetary things are thrown to the side and forgotten to the best of my abilities. Instead I am able to concentrate on the matters of the heart and what that means to me. The gist of it is being able to enjoy the down time, which usually entails riding solo and doing things I love. Other times I find myself with friends and family, exchanging stories and laughter. It’s all about jamming on connections, with others or myself!
It’s been a year since you threw it all away
You took her as your #1 and left all else behind
I ask YOU what your views and opinions are
Yet she trumps even your “good” sense
You demand it to be a certain way
Take it or leave it you say
No other choice is to be had
Reason no longer factors in
I used to be your sounding board
Gentle guidance to what was morally right
We always landed on solid ground
A unit, nothing else mattered
But you have her now
A clouded, self conscious being
Digging you into a hole for all to see
Your weakness is ever paramount
I know you will never shake her
A reality I must come to terms with
Here’s to moving on
Fuck you and Fuck her
It seems like yesterday when we made a forever commitment to this project.
An intention to do all that was in our power to make this successful.
A promise to one another, a respect and understanding for our end goal.
An underlying love that I was sure would keep us on the same path.
At the time it seemed so simple, a dream for all that we could do.
Yet it has become increasingly evident that I was in fact living a fantasy.
I was clouded by my overpowering desire and intentions to make this work.
It slowly started to cave in the day our project was set forth.
The defects could no longer be hidden, a state of utter disappointment.
It’s laughable the way you have always claimed this to be your priority, yet every time you are given a chance to step up, you bail.
At this point is has become almost impossible to trust you, even with direct instruction you still choose the easy route, cutting corners, at the expense of our success.
I am so fucking sick of dragging you along, begging and pleading for your help, only to be slapped with reality time and time again.
I can no longer hope that your selfish existence will cease, as you prove time and time again that you are only in this to serve your own agenda.
You use and abuse your “power” and it disgusts me the way you yield this as if it’s a trophy.
It is only natural for my being to take this on as a failure and feel the pain of your betrayal, but I must concentrate on what lies ahead of me.
Your games of manipulation and control can no longer break me, I release your mindfucks as quick as you throw away your promises.
I always come back to my roots, thankful that my influence and guidance will forever outweigh your shit behaviour and overall absence.
The reality is that one day you will be held accountable and answers will be demanded.
Your true self will show without a word spoken from me.
~With or without you, we will succeed!
You be the judge…!
The gist of my lack in caring for Christmas boils down to commercialization and the spoiled assholes that wander the streets in search of the next useless, mindless piece of shit gift.
I definitely jam on the magic of Christmas and the joy it can bring when it entails bringing your loved ones together for story telling, good old tomfuckery and an abundance of laughter.
Lets backtrack to last years Christmas adventures!
When you could care less to put up a Christmas tree even though you have a 4yr old.
When you work retail and come home from a 9hr Xmas Eve shift to an empty house, no food in the fridge except a bottle of wine. You joyously dance around the house chugging back the bottle within the hour before passing out. You wake in the late morning hour to the horror of sunlight trying to invade the privacy of your brutal, gut wrenching hang over. You throw the covers over your head in the hopes of some kind of relief to possibly avoid the urge of throwing up as your head spins out of control. Merry fucking Christmas to ME! At some point I was finally able to muster up enough energy to crawl out of bed to retrieve an Advil and glass of water only to crawl back into my hole waiting for the sun to fuck off to another day. Christmas phone calls were made in record timing from the security of my cave.
Wonder fucks of this Christmas Season
~Christmas tree debacle
In lieu of my Christmas tree failure last year I decide to throw the tree up the last week of November. I get a bit drunk in the hopes my 5yr old does all the decorating. To nobody’s surprise I can’t even let go after a few drinks and find myself redecorating the tree. My little comes out of the room and has a complete meltdown. WHOOPS! Ok, ok you know I felt like a complete asshole and I let her redo it. I am proud to say that I didn’t touch a thing after the fact! Kudos to me, here’s to letting go! HAHA!
When you go to the Toy Store in the middle of November and the little goes wild for a toy, so the debate begins. I sure as shit do not want to go near a mall during the official Christmas Season so I decide to propose a ridiculous choice to the little.
“Ok so I can buy you that for Christmas but I am going get it now. You can either have it now or I can wrap it, and you can wait until Christmas.” Yes that was a for serious conversation, I am the worst. HAHA! She stopped playing with it after two days and I spent $160 on the rainbow shitting unicorn. I fucking hate myself!
It’s always a gamble taking me in public. Our recent Christmas Light adventures with my girlfriends and their kids never stops me from having fun. I keep the kids and the adults entertained and there is usually picture evidence to support the tomfuckery that is had.
~Bush in the face
The kids were horse playing and one of them got a tree branch in his face and without a second thought I blurt out, “S* just got BUShhhh in his face!” I thought I caught myself as I went quieter when my brain processed the sexual innuendo. I undoubtably failed considering I brought more attention to it by doubling over with laughter. Then I exclaimed to my girlfriend,“At least I caught myself before anybody heard!” Only to have a guy passing by say, “Nope, nope you sure didn’t catch yourself in time!”, followed by laughter from the group of adults that were with him.
You hear a group of children loudly chanting a word to initiate the voice activated Christmas lights but misunderstand what they were saying. You figure out they were saying a littles name, “Mateo!” You find yourself having an ah-ha moment and without a second thought you loudly state,”Oh I thought they were yelling Potato!” Shit dude you totally just made fun of that little kids name in front of a crowd of people. Palm slap to the face! One would only figure that other parents despise me, haha!
~Winning parent Awards
When you can’t figure out what fairytale character is part of the Christmas display and your kid exclaims,”Mom, it’s Princess Crocka!” Your rebuttal,”Crock-a-shit!”
When you buy a gingerbread house for the little with one stipulation, that she smashes it once we’re sick of looking at it. Super stoked that my kid is weird like me beacuse she insisted we smash it the same day we made it.
~Penis Landing Pad
When you put the gingerbread house together for your little to decorate the next morning and decide to draw a big penis on the roof with a Santa hat, splooging off the roof. Don’t worry assholes the little wasn’t privy to my blatant disregard for traditions.
~Indecent Gingerbread People
Yes I also had fun with the gingerbread people by endowing the boy with a penis and blue balls while his lady friend adorned pointy red boobies and a fire red snatch.
***Winning at Christmas over here
A feeling of desire, want and need
True happiness with another
Yet this means releasing you
Knowing I must let go and let be
Thankful for all that you’ve brought to my life
Experiences that were a first
Possibly a last
Staring into the wonder of the skies
Knowing you’re a world away lusting at the same skies in a different light
A distinct purpose and drive as our paths divert
To have you back in my grips is now a dream to be had
Allowing you to move forward in your process without projecting my agenda onto you
It feels almost impossible at times
What we had won’t ever compare
But I had you and that’s all that counts
My mind, heart and soul have to settle
I have to come to terms with what you may be able to offer me now
This lingering feeling has my head spinning and my blood pumping. You fully take over my body. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of you fitting into my life. Over thinking is my nature and my thoughts immediately go to how complicated this could get. But why? I play out worse case scenarios just to torture myself. What stupidity. I just need to let it be; be in the moment and enjoy every sensation that takes over me. Everything about you keeps playing out like a dream. It’s coming in rapid succession and I think that’s why I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of being smothered, in the best way possible?! The past year my focus has been building amazing friendships. This leaves little room for major disappointment and heartache so the idea of putting myself out there is a little unsettling. Hmmm, but isn’t that life. It’s becoming more evident that my being craves another and you somehow seem to be fitting so perfectly. A connection I’ve never had before, a person who brings me to a level of euphoria that I didn’t think I could reach. Somebody who is willing to challenge what I stand for and who I think I am. I don’t want to hide when I’m with you, the desire to be open is unreal and it makes me squirm. Even if it’s a short time and not a long time, I need to appreciate what you bring to my life. Here’s to getting out of my head and letting go.