Rapid succession, word vomit texting…

B*-I feel like complete shit and at this point I’m just trying to keep it together to get through the day. I’m sure work will be a good distraction cause this Bitch can’t stop crying. I’m sick of this cycle, talking about the same bullshit with people…. for what! I need some solo time to get through this and feel it. I just want this day to pass like any other. The more I think about the fact that it’s my birthday and the fact that I feel like this, the worse I feel. Not sure if I’ve ever wanted to take a mental health day on my birthday before, fucking first for everything. I stayed up till like fucking 1am with R* crying and talking about the same bullshit about not having people in my life and I hate myself more for even going there. Such pointless chatter, same story and it holds no meaning. Talking about it does fuck all, except make me feel worse. There’s never understanding because it’s my story, it’s only mine to understand. I mean I at least feel like you understand, obviously why I only talk to you but everybody else can go get fucked already because it loses all meaning as soon as they choose to forget about it and act like fuckfaces. Ha this is making me feel better… thanks for the no choice vent S! 😝 It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want too😅

S*-It’s good that you know what you need and will go for it. Take the time for yourself today. You type/process way faster than me. I can’t keep up! I think it’s good to talk things through because it’s another way of processing and sometimes you can gain a different perspective. Although it would be nice to talk it through with the people involved maybe they’re not always the best choice. Possibly part of why there is a problem with them in the first place. Be mindful of who you talk to if you can. Obviously you have to talk to the people involved to an extent so they know what you need from them.Take care of yourself today xoxo Ha omg that last one made me laugh.

~~~After spending hours trying to write another entry on R*, my evening started to near an end and before I could call it a night the loveliest of souls reached out to me-A*.

(A* is currently fighting through a hardship himself)

A*-Sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve been struggling a bit here.

B*-I get that, find what you need as you ride the wave. Sometimes it’s quiet.

A*-Need to get into a routine of self care.

B*-I’m sorry you haven’t found the time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you are in “survival” mode and that’s never a good feeling to be stuck there but it’s clear that you are aware of what needs to happen in order to find balance. Stick with it, you are your only advocate babe!

A*-I could totally crawl into your bed right now.

B*-Ohhhhh you know I’d love that 😉 This one is a sucker for human connection. My shit surely doesn’t compare to your current struggle but I had such a rough night and day.

A*It’s all relative, there is no better or worse. If you want to talk about it I’m here to listen. But if you’re tired of thinking about it I hope I can offer distraction 🤗

B*-Yeah my heart feels really heavy today.

A*-I’ll be up for a while if you find yourself awake.

B*-The thought counts. Maybe it’ll help me release some of these icky feelings before I close my eyes.

A*-Do you have any routines you use in times like these?

B*-Mainly mantras and writing. Mantras distract me in an effort to stay composed and writing allows me to release it. I have a question for you… but also understand if you feel worn out and don’t wanna talk about it.

A*-Ask away please…

B*-Just curious if you’ve been able to verbalize your pain in an effort to process everything and release that energy? Or have you been trying to do it alone?

A*-I have been really open with the people that are close to me but I guess I haven’t been that good at truly verbalizing how I’m feeling. I feel tremendous sadness, frustration, even a little bit of anger. I find it hard sometimes to find the balance of being open and oversharing with the wrong audience.

B*-I like the last thing you said. “Oversharing with the wrong audience”. I find when I try to allow myself to go there, it ends up feeling like a disconnect, as if I’m talking to a councillor. I end up feeling worse and totally shut people out. That happened last night for me. I allowed myself to go there and it felt pointless in the end. Now I’m here struggling with it.

A*-That has always been an issue for me. When it happens I shut down to everyone.

B*-As you know I struggle to find even one person who I am that comfortable with. We are a lot a like, I think that’s why there’s this quiet understanding and when you were here last I really felt that connection with you.

A*-I agree with that completely. I really felt emotionally safe with you.

B*-It’s clear you’re a really genuine person and I really trust you. Honestly just messaging you makes me wanna cry….in a good way! I have honestly never felt a connection like that with anybody, let alone a stranger 😉 It was raw and genuine… something I’ve always looked for in people.

A*-I feel that personalities like ours allow others to feel safe to share but we take it on often as our own cross to bare. Rather than allowing their emotions and words to flow through us and especially when we’re managing our own demons some of others “baggage” gets stuck and burdens us. Then we feel guilty and weak…

B*-Argh you articulate it so well. This is why I was quiet today, because there is an understanding that you are burdened with your own troubles.

A*-And same for me as to why I was quiet. It’s connections like that, in those small quiet moments that make me feel human.

B*-Yes… human and not alone!

A*Yes, very human and very much not alone.

B*-I’m huggin my phone, are you getting that haha…Really I’m spooning the shit outta my pillow.

A*-I sure am b.

B*-Thank you for being you and allowing yourself to share that with me.

A*-It helps me so much being able to be open in the safe space you create.

B*-I agree I surely am yearning for that in my current head space. Can I share something with you…. As if you will say no 😉

A*-Please do.

B*-Basically I’m telling you this out of understanding as to why it sucks to be in this head space today. Birthdays really aren’t a huge deal for me and if anything it’s another one of those things that I find more meaning in when it comes from a place of intimacy, and not pressure and expectation. If anything I’ve always celebrated my birthday come the new year and quietly acknowledge it to myself on the actual day. Anyways I’m officially 35 today and it felt like a really fucking shitty day…Nope and please don’t say happy birthday, not the reasoning behind the share!! Basically it comes from a place of feeling alone.

A*-I definitely wasn’t… I always find specific celebratory days strange because every day should be celebrated in a way and it causes unnecessary pain when hard, challenging, shitty days fall on so deemed “special” days….

B*-Right. Exactly.

A*-It just adds so much pressure that is unnecessary.

B*-But this makes it a reality, that it is just another day. I can’t say I’ve ever had a good birthday but this one was a fuck show of emotions. I was literally bawling the whole way into work then had to shove it so deep just to get through the day and I hate being fake as shit.

A*-An added blow.

B*-The thought of taking a sick day actually crossed my mind.

A*-I hate having to do that.

B*-At the end of the day our reality is that life gets crazy in so many ways and its important to put things into perspective so you don’t allow yourself to sweat the small stuff for too long.

A*-I wish today was a day that broke the tradition of past birthdays, I know the feeling of having to shove those emotions down deep just to get through the day. It’s suffocating and feels like I’m being dishonest with myself. But sometimes it’s what has to be done to be a functioning member of society. As long as I am able to release the pressure from those days soon after I feel that I can handle them when they occur. I often do find perspective after or during those times cause I always take comfort that I am choosing to be this way, it’s not how I operate on a normal basis. I become proud of myself for how I am on those better days. I hope I’ve made sense…

B*-Yes of course I like that you get me. You say it in such a lovely way 😉 I’m chuckling because I have the funniest way of expressing myself through writing! I often wonder how people read it but the fact that it hasn’t scared you off… makes me feel like I’m winning.

A*-You’re winning B, you’re winning at so much.

B*-Oh this I know. In the midst of feeling alone today I definitely had peaks and my little being reminds me every time I’m with her that I’m winning. Ebbs and flows.

A*-Like the tide.

B*-And this…. YOU, are also a kind reminder that I’m getting somewhere in life. Drawing some real good creatures into my heart circle 😉

A*Here’s a little story about a little boy and his favourite beach and how it relates to life…..When I was a boy I would go down to our beach every day, sometimes the tide was in and sometimes it was low. When the tide was in it was easier to drag my little boat to the waters edge, the water was warm as the water flowed over the rocks warmed by the summers sun. I liked it when the tide was in, it was easier and the swimming was pleasant. When the tide was out I was sad because I couldn’t swim, and I couldn’t drag my boat all the way down those jagged rocks to the water. But with the low tide, I found wondrous things. Things I would normally never see, sea life and other things that live quite comfortably at the low points on the beach. There was always something new to explore and see. So when the tide is high some things are easier, it’s comfortable. But the low tide offers great things, you just have to make your way down the beach to find them… And before you know it the tide returns and the water warms, but now you can see the entire beach in your mind, knowing what’s beneath me. I’m not sad as I paddle over.

B*-You’ve been flowing with the universe since you were a little being😍 You make my heart happy. The loveliest, thank you for making my heart happy by simply being you and sharing what you know and what you keep close to your heart.

A*-I’m glad you get me. That makes me happy.

B*-I’m grateful to close my eyes in comfort tonight. I hope you feel the warmth of my energy so you too find a quiet place tonight 😘 I’m itching to see you again 🤗 Even if it’s just to hang out and be quiet together! I’m off to close my eyes now😘 Hug yourself for me🤗 Cause this body pillow is my bitch tonight…gonna squeeze it and drift off to thoughts of you ✌️😴

A*-Ok lil B you sleep nice and peacefully. Squeeze away on that sucker 😚

B*-😘 Thanks again for last night. I fell asleep easily and woke feeling much better✌️

~~~Just another day…riding the waves of this adventure. As it should be.