Mother Fucks~

Backstory…
I’ve been fucking around with R* since November and as per usual I entered the arrangement with the notion of it being an open relationship. We also understand that there wouldn’t be a future as we’re on a very different journey. Our open relationship afforded R* the ability to date her*, who quickly became his #1. It wasn’t until the other night that I was forced to face a hard truth when R* stated the fact that he doesn’t consider us to be friends. I agreed with his logic yet having the words actually being spoken struck a cord. His remark and the reality of our current statues stems from the fact that forming a real friendship only makes our arrangement messier in the end. It’s a brutal reality but a necessity to keep our feelings in check, yet here I am having a hard time sorting through my emotions. There is no doubt that other factors have brought me to this messy state of mind as I face some pretty deep rooted truths. The feelings of hurt that are associated with being somebody’s secret side piece keeps tripping me up. It’s like I’m replaying the K* situation all over again and I feel utterly defeated. It’s not the fact that R* has another girl that has me spinning but the lack of honesty. I find it fucking infuriating not being on a level playing field. Before entering relationships I am always sure to make it blaringly clear that the only way an open relationship can work is with HONESTY! I label it as ethical non monogamy for a reason. It’s fucking frustrating because lack of honesty breeds unnecessary hurt and yet again it’s this bitch who’s getting stomped. Maybe if I knew the reality of my situation with R* sooner I could have drawn boundaries to be sure I detached from the desire to spend more time with him. Logic keeps telling me that I need to get the fuck out now but my heart and body scream otherwise. Then another hard truth surfaces knowing I would be leaving yet another “relationship” solo, where the other party has the privilege of letting me quietly disappear as they happily continue to form a deeper connection with their #1. This leads me down a dark alley where my negative inner dialogue lurks ready to rear its ugly fucking head. Thanks asshole, I can always depend on you to never leave me alone as you will apparently forever be part of my process.

Reality….
What the fuck is my reality? It’s clear that I don’t always have the courage to face my truth head on, as it’s a repetitive, tiring piece of shit game of coming to terms with the fact that I am riding solo yet again. This isn’t just in regards to my counterparts in life but all relationships- family, friends and otherwise. For a fleeting moment a trust is lost, not only in others but within myself as I struggle to figure out who the fuck is actually good for me. I have found myself in this head space more often than not lately as life keeps throwing major curve balls at me. There is no doubt that I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my life which I realize is a skewed desire as control is misguided and unattainable but it doesn’t mean I don’t do my best to own and control what I can. It’s actually why my blog entries are few and far between these days as I attempt to keep dodging the shit bombs these mother fuckers throw at me. There are some major aspects in my life that have become so fucking blurred my emotional state can’t seem to handle any kind of hiccup. To boot my inner dialogue keeps blowing shit up. I try my hardest to let things be but it’s a tricky hand to play. At times it has me avoiding my reality and I end up doing myself a major disservice by stifling the emotions that come with getting shit kicked in the guts, only to have them surface at the most inopportune times. Initially when I am bitched slapped to the curb my state of mind is a shit show as questions swarm my head like a tornado. When I’m in the midst of it I can’t seem to grasp even one solid, legit thought of control to make myself feel better. Lucky for me the process is swift and I pull my ugly, big girl panties on and venture through the next battlefield. My ex E* once said, “even good people will take advantage of good people.” BULLSHIT, that’s a douchebag pretending to be a good person and he surely taught me that. Fucking asshole! I just keep getting fucked by a bunch of actors. With all that I have gone through in this life it will seriously be worth it if on my death bed I’m told that I’ve been living the B show (Truman show)! HAHA! Can you tell I am little tired and jaded by people’s bullshit. Lucky for me I am an optimistic asshole and this shit only gets the best of me for a short while. The major take away is pretty clear at this point, in the fact that my inner turmoil comes from not facing my feelings head on. This is why speed bumps can completely throw me off my game if I’m already facing major challenges. I tend to crash so hard that it feels utterly unbearable in the moment. Then I continue to stumble as I grasp for any kind of help trying not to hit the pavement and rip my fucking face completely off. I further spin out of control as I scramble, realizing I don’t have anybody to hold onto except myself. The speed bump is the tipping point to setting my inner dialogue off, amping up my emotional state to fuck this shit kinda levels. This is when I have to buck the fuck up and become firm with my inner bitch in an effort to gain control.

My current struggle is figuring out how I move forward with R* and it’s clear that my inner dialogue is in a battle of wits. I keep coming back to the idea that having him in my life is better than nothing….. BUT IS IT??? It’s a fierce game as I attempt to detach by keeping my distance. I try my fucking best to keep the reality of our arrangement at the forefront but it sure as shit doesn’t mean my feelings don’t attempt at blowing me up every once and awhile. WHYYYYYY?! Is it worth it? Am I better off alone? Should I spare myself anymore hurt and pull the ripcord now? Good fucking lord am I just another piece of meat willingly being served at his convenience? There’s no doubt I benefit from our arrangement but it surely isn’t to the degree he does. Fuck me, how did I get here again?! Logically it’s fucking black and white at this point but my moral compass is highjacked and it pisses me off that I’m here not of my own doing but of his. It’s obvious I want to continue enjoying the time I have with him but I fight with the idea that I’m the weakest fucking link and this bitch hates being that person. My logic continues to scream at me… Who has more to gain from this? Where does my value lay in regards to his life? Is it really worth the fun release to smother my innate human nature and desire to form genuine connections with people? Fuck no. Here I am, once again willing to put myself last. What a stupid fucking game I play. Wow, clearly I still have some hard lessons to learn when it comes to building healthy relationships. I was telling a friend yesterday about the fact that I am sure this lifetime of growth is for the sole purpose of figuring out how to form healthy relationships because every time I turn around I’m jumping ship and swimming to the next boat of mishaps. At least through this adventure it has gone from drowning in an ocean of sharks, to finding a small life preserver. Now I’m finally boarding mother fucking boats waiting on the right yacht full of enlightened souls, haha! Thankfully the boats I keep boarding are getting consistently better!

Yes, I have found myself on yet another sinking boat and I would have to say that it’s due my easy going nature that makes me a fucking sucker for punishment. In my 35yrs on this mother fucking earth I have yet to be somebody’s first and like a dumb fuck I continue to afford others the privilege. Those pricks are eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner, while I’m being served shit on a never ending conveyer belt. I hate demanding anything of others as it creates unneeded pressure and expectation which brings me to my number one fault in allowing others to take advantage of my good nature. I make it easy for people to brush my needs to the waste side and treat me with less respect and integrity than I have afforded them. Not only has this always been my nature, as I’m very much a giver and not a taker, it also comes from a deep rooted learned behaviour. From my first memories as a child my mother beat it into me on a daily basis that I was lesser than everybody else which also plays into why I still struggle to smother my ugly negative inner dialogue as a grown ass adult. One of my survival tactics was to always see the good in people which made me a sucker for affording others the chance to repetitively treat me like shit. I still live by this delusional expectation that people will treat me the way I treat them. Pretty sure that’s a fucking life lesson that is suppose to stand up to the test of time but somehow it keeps failing me. As you can see I very much have the ability to communicate people into the ground with my never-ending word vomits yet I continue to fail in my efforts to find people who will openly share their truth with me. Smash those good qualities together and apparently it makes me a weak target therefor people easily put me at the bottom of the totem pole and this stupid fuck face continues to willingly accept it as my place. At the end of the day I quietly walk away and disappear into the shadows until I serve a purpose in their lives again, this being a learned behaviour as well. Fuck this shit, I’m done. Maybe this is why I constantly push people away, in an effort to find my independence and strength. It isn’t a surprise when the people in my life express their concern that I run from my emotions and push people away, but what they fail to see is that I am actually doing it in an effort to take my control back. By doing this I gain perspective more easily so I can figure out how to draw healthy boundaries and thus far this process has been working for me. Initially when I face hardship my deep rooted learned behaviour of avoiding the emotional aspects has me stealthily shoving that shit within, turning it into a ticking bomb and when it eventually explodes in the form of an emotional overload I find safety within my own space by physically shutting everybody off. This tends to freak people out because not only do I disappear, I randomly and obnoxiously reappear by word vomiting them into oblivion as I attempt to process everything in warp speed. The hiding aspect comes from a fear of not wanting people to see me fall apart which is an attempt to protect my ego and sharing my process and truth keeps the people in my life up to speed, without allowing them to actually see me go through it. My only hope is that one day I will be able to find at least one unlucky asshole I can form a genuine connection with who will afford me the ability to be truly vulnerable, without hesitation and fear. At this rate it’s always easy coming back to my self proclaimed loner statues because this bitch never disappoints and if I do I’m the first to fess up to it. With that said I am very aware that I won’t find growth by hiding behind my fears so I am careful to only claim my loner statues for a short ride. Hardship will never stop me from adventuring on and speaking my truth, I just choose to process it in the form that has thus far worked for me. I can at least be thankful that when I question myself, the process and my current state I become more aware of my role, what I have control over and the purpose my circle of peeps are serving. Lucky for me when I ride solo I make healthier life choices which affords me the ability to find balance, clarity, happiness and strength for the next adventure. As I become more fierce and find my place in this messy game we call life there is no doubt that I will falter less and become more resilient when douchefucks try to yank at me.

Wrap it up…
It’s clear that I’ve been running from the R* head space for awhile now, but I have to appreciate that the time has come to face my reality and work through the icky feelings. Initially as I cried my way through the messy thoughts I had the urge to run and shut down by cutting him completely out of the equation without allowing him or myself any kind of closure. This is when I have to force myself to face it head on and be sure that I work through every thought and emotion before I can come back to a place where I am able to refocus my efforts on creating healthy boundaries. This comes down to understanding and appreciating that this is exactly where I need to be in order to delve into the next adventure. My MO of finding distractions in people only serves me for so long, before they start to dissipate and I have to face my truth alone. It really comes down to the fact that I am wasting energy and time on being peoples second to last, that I am not affording myself the ability to be somebody’s first. I have to remind myself that I will do just fine without the surface relationships in my life, and that I am indeed better off adventuring solo. At this very moment I feel like I need a major reset in all aspects of my life. If my journey has taught me anything, it is the fact that everything has an ending. All things in life are impermanent and it’s when we start grasping and clenching onto things that no longer serve a purpose in our journey that we slip up and smother our growth. I believe that if things are meant to be, there is a glue that will keep it together and you will always come back to it. The glue that continues to hold me together is accepting that as I figure out what healthy relationships are I have to let go of the desire to hold onto people who refuse to respect and value all that I have to offer. I have learned that the only way to truly move forward is to feel it all, allow myself to let it be, let it go, and move the fuck on without allowing it completely break me.

~The love of oneself is always an ideal but the love of another gives you an energy and value that in times of hardship you are not able to afford yourself.
*You accept the love you think you deserve.