This was my first official journal which was gifted to me over two years ago by K*. No kidding it was by far the most significant and meaningful gift I have ever received in my life. Obviously the words he wrote in the journal and card were indeed what held the most meaning. The journal soon became a place that was sacred to me, where I could truly allow myself to be vulnerable. It eventually evolved into an obsession with journaling and in turn was a jumping point for my love of writing. I specifically kept this journal for K* and all my thoughts of love and desire that encapsulated the idea of him. I slowly stopped writing in it almost a year ago as my mind became quiet and I did my best to close a chapter in my life that held an immense amount of meaning. K* was a significant part of my growth and a constant inspiration to fight for what I deserved in life. He supported me the best he could but we eventually drifted apart as we tried to come to terms with the idea that our paths were only destined to collide for a short time. Before I knew it I was soon on a journey to release K* in an effort to allow him to be happy with another, yet through it all I knew I’d always hold a place for him in my heart. As the past year slipped by the thought of K* and the love I had for him would still sporadically surface. I continued to hold onto the idea of him until he finally drew a hard line with me this past fall. It no doubtably caught me off guard but I could fully understand and appreciate his need to do so, as he became more serious with his new counterpart. I let go quite easily convincing myself that all he saw in me was a sexual piece of meat that he couldn’t be friends with out of fear of cheating on his girlfriend. I still saw him around town and we kept it purely friendly, even though I would walk away with this heavy feeling in my heart.
It wasn’t until last week that I found myself scribbling in the journal again which came after finally nailing K* down for a legit hang out. We hadn’t really faced one another since he abruptly cut our friendship short so I found myself going into it with the hopes of finding closure. My intention was to confront him on the never ending story that replayed in my head. I constantly fought with the idea that he never really gave me a fair shot so I was determined to state it as such and also voice the fact that it really sucked that we couldn’t even be friends after the fact. My goal was nothing more than to speak the words and let it be but our interaction ended up spinning a web of unexpected words that had me tangled in a burning desire to be with him again. I found myself willingly ripping my heart open and allowing myself to truly be vulnerable. It surely was an emotionally driven word vomit at its best. This was obviously not done for my own selfish gains as I would never want to pressure or guilt K* into being with me again. I knew the reality of his current situation and he is very much in a committed relationship. I made my intentions extremely clear, in the fact that these were merely words and feelings that I needed to allow myself to release so I could move forward, with or without him in my life. I had no expectation of him leaving his girlfriend for me, as that is his own journey and really shouldn’t be driven by or for me. If he ever chooses to leave her, sooner or later, it needs to come from confidence in knowing that in his heart he no longer wants to be with her. At this point I am merely a distant shadow as he figures out what he wants in his life. At the very least if we have anything to gain from this whole thing is the fact that we were finally able to verbalize our feelings for one another, which was a much needed release of deep rooted emotions, in turn affording us the ability to find growth through sharing our truth and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
It was empowering to finally allow myself to just say what I felt without the fear of not having it reciprocated. I guess you could say that I found the courage to speak my truth because I had nothing to lose as I had already lost K* to her long ago. Here I was finally able to release the words and energy that held my thoughts prisoner. Now after all that has been said, when I come back to the love I have for him, I can more easily let it be because he knows exactly where I stand. At the end of the day if that doesn’t translate into him being with me, I am ok with that. If he decides not to adventure with me, I can at least be extremely confident that he knew exactly where I stood. If this life has taught me anything through my journey it is the fact that just because you may feel a certain way doesn’t mean others are going to be on the same page. As long as you are owning what you have control over, doing your best and never hurting others out of malicious intent, you surely are winning in life. It then becomes much easier to understand your self worth and release what no longer serves you. Holding onto the love and desire I had for K* without him knowing did me absolutely no good. Now that he knows where I stand in regards to him being in my life I can easily move forward knowing our journey has come to a place where it was meant to be and my thoughts of second guessing the adventure will dissipate completely. This has given me a renewed hope for the endless possibilities this life brings as I keep sharing my truth in an effort to be my authentic self. There will always be an appreciation for the fact that things may not always come to the “ending” in which you desire but I realize the adventure is surely worth it nonetheless.