State of Confusion

Over the last week I have been working through some hard truths and I am finding it extremely difficult to be alone. At first glance I feel foolish as this seems to be the root of my problem. I always distract myself with people when I am going through hardships. I have come to realize that the problem actually stems from WHO I am finding the distractions with. I gently remind myself that it’s ok to be with people as I journey through hard times but it’s clear that I have to be more mindful in who I find comfort with. I need somebody who is stronger than me, who will encourage me to stay on track and be there for me in the right ways. A person who appreciates that I live for routine, and will not distract me from my process to stay healthy.

Since detaching from my 14yr relationship I have found myself extremely discouraged as I struggle to find people who are strict with theirs lives. I have come to learn that I desperately need routine in order to be successful in all aspects of my life. When I tell people what my ideal routine is, I often get sideways looks as if I am an anomaly. Don’t get me wrong I like to let loose and have fun but how I do that is very different from most people. In order for me to benefit from letting loose it needs to be “clean” fun! If unclean distractions, like alcohol or drugs become a constant I falter quite quickly and it then becomes my reality, a reality that sends me on a downward spiral. In times of struggle I become susceptible to unhealthy choices and I am very much the catalyst in my downward spiral. In my most recent slip up I found myself ebbing and flowing on an almost weekly basis which meant that while I was in the midst of it I was still aware enough to keep going back to my routine, or at least parts of it. This resulted in me easily accepting the unhealthy choices as a blip in my reality and in turn I became blind to what it was doing to my emotional capacity to handle stress. My weakened state became evident when I was forced to face an extremely uncomfortable and stressful event that left me feeling helpless. It wasn’t until I gained distance from the event that the aftermath had me spinning. Once I was alone with my thoughts, I felt weak and out of control which emotionally broke me. As uncomfortable as it was to hit such a low I am thankful to be strong enough to gain perceptive and clarity quite quickly. I pride myself in my efforts to be truthful, not only with others but more importantly with myself first and foremost. Yes other people may factor into my journey but at the end of the day I play the biggest role in my life and I need to hold myself accountable for my choices. I must acknowledge my wrong doings in an effort to find my way back to a path of progression. Through this process I have to be kind to myself and accept that I will slip up and appreciate the fact that I come out of it a lot quicker than before. My life truly is such an accomplishment as I have worked fucking hard to become the person I am today. It’s a relief to know that I can easily and confidently come back to such raw awareness, that the path to a better self will forever be here; detour or not, I have the ultimate choice. I live for a progressive state of being and that will no doubtably entail hardship but as long as I can accept all aspects of this journey I will never stop growing.

Venture on B, venture on…!!!