She’s waiting, she’s waiting…

This bitch is waiting on the end game! Wait, what is the end game you ask! That will forever be an unknown because I sure as shit don’t have a clear end game to my dating adventures, and I personally don’t think I should have one. It’s a waste of time to fixate on things that should come naturally and this is why most people face an infinite amount of disappointment in life, due to hokey beliefs. The expectation society smothers us with to have a concrete life plan throws me into a fiery pit of hell. I am far from jamming on anything remotely traditional when it comes to relationships. Don’t get me wrong, at times I let the cluster fuck of thoughts take over and I question if I will forever be single. This is where I could lie and say I give two fucks about being single for the rest of my life, but that surely isn’t my end game. I am clear on a lot of aspects that circle the idea of what a relationship “should” look like. One being that I have no need or desire to settle down with one person for the rest of my life, and I can say that with conviction. It comes back to this idea that has been implanted in us at a young age, to settle with one person for the entirety of our lives. If anything that fucking freaks me out wayyyyyy more than being single the rest of my life. You are likely thinking this stems from my 14yr failed relationship, and yes that is very much why I am such a realist. This is in addition to witnessing my tortured parents sticking it out for the last 40+yrs, as my dad “secretly” waits for my mother to die. Those turds are far from winning life, taking surviving one another to the next level of fucking insanity. The emphasis on LIFE partners is complete malarkey, therefore the vow of till death do us part should never be uttered. I for one stayed in a dead end relationship for years past its due date, all because I thought I owed it to “somebody” to keep trying. I’d say I owed it to myself or to him but in reality we made ourselves miserable with this fucking pathetic notion that it could work. Whoa yeah, bitter much? Slightly jaded, hmmmm, maybe! Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for me shitty half, I am far from perfect. The point is you should never settle for misery in any aspect of your life. Struggle is one thing but there should always be an end to the battle. Yet, time and time again I see couples stay in a vicious cycle of self indulgent torture. How long will you choose to suffer? How many fights will you allow to circle the same bullshit? Do you seriously want this to be your norm? Either fix yourself or gain distance from the problem and take your goddamn control back! Ummm, ya this entry went a little sideways, haha! Don’t get me wrong it took this bitch 14yrs to get shit kicked in the face before I made a change, and even then I initially did it for my little. The reality is that we are forever evolving, or we should be, therefor we have to accept the fact that our relationships must also change. As I continue to journey I have come to understand and appreciate that there are very few relationships that happily stand the test of time. I now consciously try to enter all relationships with little expectation so I can freely explore what we have to offer one another. This in turn leads me to be more successful, as flexibility is key to any adventure. We must be willing to adapt and change when necessary, no matter how uncomfortable it may be; with or without the people in our current life. This outlook stems from accepting that all things are impermanent. This easily translates to our life cycles on earth, so why are we so foolish to think that our counterpart is set in stone for the entirety of our lives? Let me stop you right there, if you are thinking about the good old days and the vows our parents and generations past took, may I suggest you hit your head against a wall instead. It’s ludicrous to compare such generations considering how drastically different our current world is. There is a reason our grandparents or parents had long lasting relationship, those poor schmucks didn’t think they had choice. They were held down by far more fear than our generations. They were never privy to the choice that we now have at our fingertips. May I also remind you that their life span was much shorter than the years we are currently living out.

Let’s get back to my dating shit show. What I seek in a counterpart is somebody who I can adventure with, share funny stories and have a good laugh about life, but more than anything somebody who I can depend on and be vulnerable with. We may only collide for a short adventure or journey for years, but it really doesn’t matter. My current reality is that these Tinder testers are getting a tad old. I am sure anybody who knows me at this point is likely thinking that I’m a fucking idiot because I “date” people on Tinder, and 24yr olds at that, haha! Hmmmm, yeah, no fucking strategic game plan there. This is where I defend my sporadic and unpredictable swiping nature. Tinder is easy because it’s accessible. Yup, you heard it straight from the hypocrites mouth, choice at my fingertip; the Achilles’ heel if you will. There is no doubt that a certain type of person is on Tinder and I am the first to fess up that I am on there seeking an initial sexual attraction. I sure as shit ain’t betting on meeting my soulmate online. Of course I never limit myself to Tinder, it’s just a random perk to my off the cuff approach. I’d much rather jam on somebody more organically. I do this by putting myself out there on a daily basis, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Yet my current reality is that my Tinder adventures seem to be dominating my “dating” game. The convenience of Tinder works for me due to my limited time as I not only have a little but I also enjoy my solo/friend jams, which plays a huge role in my dating debacles. My time restraints hold me back from forming deep, meaningful connections in the fucking warp speed most people go these days. In addition to that my non monogamous approach also plays a huge role, as it ends up affording my causal counterpart the ability to form connections with somebody that has more time to give. There is no doubt that envy rears its ugly head when this occurs. I naturally question what I have to offer, as I have always been my worst critic. Once again, I find myself having to detach as I slowly slip out the back door…onto the next one. This is obviously the hardest part of the process as I have to face some really uncomfortable feelings in order to release somebody who once fit so “perfectly” into my weird little life jam. Luckily its a journey that has become easier…or so I tell myself. I always come back to the reality that everything is impermanent. As long as my once counterpart is happy, it only makes sense I freely let go and let be. It isn’t that I don’t know what I want out of a relationship that has my head spinning but the never ending game of finding the next one. I am sure I would be more receptive to the “revolving door” if I was younger and had the time, but now more than ever I can’t be bothered by the fucking games. I’d rather slam my fingers in the door for the shock value. Ha, who am I kidding there ain’t no pleasure in that kind of pain. Bottom line is that I am getting tired of putting my energy into people, for it to fizzle out as fast as the swipe. It ain’t easy being an adult and I often wonder how the fuck somebody is going to fit into my life but I love the journey nonetheless. If I don’t put myself out there, I will never win the man lottery… or chick lottery; we’ll see which comes first!

Through this process I have learned that it is extremely important to continually reevaluate my game plan, not my end game, as it’s still quite new to me and I have to be sure that I am at least progressing. I know I have a lot to offer and I am a confident prick in that department, so I shall keep on, keeping on. The search continues for my causal, long term relationship…Ya that makes me laugh too, as if there is such a thing!

Venture on B, venture on!!!!