Merry Fucking Christ-massacre!

Yes Christmas can indeed bring joy and happiness, but we have all experienced the shitty end of that stick too. The sad reality is that it can go either way, without you being able to control much, except your shitty half of course. Maybe this year it’s that douchebag ex that tears you down, or it’s your selfish family members that have you reeling. The joy of friendship and family can be lost quite quickly. This is all due to the hype and unrealistic expectations which is your first mistake. Then your inability to let go of the control and realize that there are a lot of fuck heads playing the game too, ends up being your second mistake. Ok, so at some point you let it be and go with it. Food is served and drinks are flowing. Yup this is your third mistake, amping up your pathetic emotional state with booze. The night eventually rolls into sarcastic jokes that you can’t handle and the yelling ensues, followed by somebody in tears. I’m laughing as I write this, because this is all too common in my difunctional family, as to why I don’t spend Christmas with them. Although I will be honest it is very much about the kids now, so food is eaten, a drink is sipped and we peace the fuck out. Look at us finally adulting, for the sake of our kids and our own sanity.

What the dream of Christmas looks like to me now… Shenanigans and good old Tomfuckery! This is how I see my night rolling out, in no particular order of course.
Stories that have you slapping your knee and doubling over with laughter.
Dance offs like nobody else is watching, cause likelihood is that nobody is seeing straight at that point anyways.
Eating contests that have you spitting food across the table as you try not to vomit.
Undecorating that pristine hokey Christmas tree of yours and making it look like a hot fucking mess.
Making snow angels and/or snowpeople with big ol tittys and well endowed penis’.
Insisting your kids smash those ginger bread houses or I will.
Board games that have underlying sexual content because I’m playing, or straight up inappropriate content because I supplied the game.
It also only makes sense that the end of the night would entail taking your clothes off; some or all, take your pick!
You bet your ass I would do all of that but only with the people I choose, not the sad saps you assholes are forced to spend Christmas with. The reality is that you still have your stupid traditions and I find myself solo jamming.  All good my friends, I shall find my own fun and shove it down your throats through social media, yahoooeeee!

Since the above Shenanigans is likely not many peoples reality, I can’t be bothered by the Christmas season! I’d rather come together any other day. The expectation and pressure makes me cringe. Not only is the prep and anxiety that goes towards this day not worth it, you watch it slip away in a breath with little to no appreciation. Shame on you for being the sucker that paid for that shitty ride. Lessons are never learned and the tradition trudges on. I am thankful that I never grew up with holidays, therefore the stupidity isn’t imbedded within my being. I let all the worry and fuck yous melt away and find myself loving my solo jams!
~Peace out Christ-ass!