You be the judge…!
The gist of my lack in caring for Christmas boils down to commercialization and the spoiled assholes that wander the streets in search of the next useless, mindless piece of shit gift.
I definitely jam on the magic of Christmas and the joy it can bring when it entails bringing your loved ones together for story telling, good old tomfuckery and an abundance of laughter.
Lets backtrack to last years Christmas adventures!
When you could care less to put up a Christmas tree even though you have a 4yr old.
When you work retail and come home from a 9hr Xmas Eve shift to an empty house, no food in the fridge except a bottle of wine. You joyously dance around the house chugging back the bottle within the hour before passing out. You wake in the late morning hour to the horror of sunlight trying to invade the privacy of your brutal, gut wrenching hang over. You throw the covers over your head in the hopes of some kind of relief to possibly avoid the urge of throwing up as your head spins out of control. Merry fucking Christmas to ME! At some point I was finally able to muster up enough energy to crawl out of bed to retrieve an Advil and glass of water only to crawl back into my hole waiting for the sun to fuck off to another day. Christmas phone calls were made in record timing from the security of my cave.
Wonder fucks of this Christmas Season
~Christmas tree debacle
In lieu of my Christmas tree failure last year I decide to throw the tree up the last week of November. I get a bit drunk in the hopes my 5yr old does all the decorating. To nobody’s surprise I can’t even let go after a few drinks and find myself redecorating the tree. My little comes out of the room and has a complete meltdown. WHOOPS! Ok, ok you know I felt like a complete asshole and I let her redo it. I am proud to say that I didn’t touch a thing after the fact! Kudos to me, here’s to letting go! HAHA!
When you go to the Toy Store in the middle of November and the little goes wild for a toy, so the debate begins. I sure as shit do not want to go near a mall during the official Christmas Season so I decide to propose a ridiculous choice to the little.
“Ok so I can buy you that for Christmas but I am going get it now. You can either have it now or I can wrap it, and you can wait until Christmas.” Yes that was a for serious conversation, I am the worst. HAHA! She stopped playing with it after two days and I spent $160 on the rainbow shitting unicorn. I fucking hate myself!
It’s always a gamble taking me in public. Our recent Christmas Light adventures with my girlfriends and their kids never stops me from having fun. I keep the kids and the adults entertained and there is usually picture evidence to support the tomfuckery that is had.
~Bush in the face
The kids were horse playing and one of them got a tree branch in his face and without a second thought I blurt out, “S* just got BUShhhh in his face!” I thought I caught myself as I went quieter when my brain processed the sexual innuendo. I undoubtably failed considering I brought more attention to it by doubling over with laughter. Then I exclaimed to my girlfriend,“At least I caught myself before anybody heard!” Only to have a guy passing by say, “Nope, nope you sure didn’t catch yourself in time!”, followed by laughter from the group of adults that were with him.
You hear a group of children loudly chanting a word to initiate the voice activated Christmas lights but misunderstand what they were saying. You figure out they were saying a littles name, “Mateo!” You find yourself having an ah-ha moment and without a second thought you loudly state,”Oh I thought they were yelling Potato!” Shit dude you totally just made fun of that little kids name in front of a crowd of people. Palm slap to the face! One would only figure that other parents despise me, haha!
~Winning parent Awards
When you can’t figure out what fairytale character is part of the Christmas display and your kid exclaims,”Mom, it’s Princess Crocka!” Your rebuttal,”Crock-a-shit!”
When you buy a gingerbread house for the little with one stipulation, that she smashes it once we’re sick of looking at it. Super stoked that my kid is weird like me beacuse she insisted we smash it the same day we made it.
~Penis Landing Pad
When you put the gingerbread house together for your little to decorate the next morning and decide to draw a big penis on the roof with a Santa hat, splooging off the roof. Don’t worry assholes the little wasn’t privy to my blatant disregard for traditions.
~Indecent Gingerbread People
Yes I also had fun with the gingerbread people by endowing the boy with a penis and blue balls while his lady friend adorned pointy red boobies and a fire red snatch.
***Winning at Christmas over here