My Wifey for Lifey

It seems as though my besty comes to stay with me at the most opportune times. Last time she crashed at my place for a week I had my first HSV outbreak. This time around she was here to support and celebrate with me as I transitioned into a new career. She is exactly who I need in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong she’s a fucking bad influence because I seem to be drinking and getting high almost every night. Obviously I’m a grown ass adult and the choice is mine but I am weak when it’s in front of me and I have a more than willing counterpart. My fun loving, addictive personality takes control and I find myself saying, FUCK IT! It’s all good cause the second this bitch bails, I’m back on track. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and let be.

~Dates with wifey
Well lets just say the other people in the quiet, quaint restaurant likely don’t appreciate the inappropriate banter between the two of us and the outbursts of uncontrollable laughter. Topics of discussion usually entail, tinder, HSV, and sexual encounters. No surprise there right!

~Late nights with wifey
Drinks, TCH jellies, and food.
Apparently making banana bread at stupid hours of the night was our thing this time around. The first night “we” tried to tackle the adventure of baking we were flying high. I decided I was going to help from the couch as she literally bitched and nagged at me for almost an hour as she struggled to just mix the fucking ingredients. By the time she was done we were both ready to crash only then realizing it had to bake for over an hour. Fuck that, we crawled into bed and she set an alarm to get up and take it out, haha! When my little had the privilege of eating a piece for breakfast she had no issue telling me that it wasn’t good but would still eat it because it was banana bread with chocolate chips. The kid wasn’t lying, it wasn’t good. We later figured out that wifey doubled the baking soda, due to my lack of caring to label a container in my cupboard.

~Comfort levels
There was a night I went to crawl into bed and snuggle with wifey and stripped naked without even thinking. As soon as I went to spoon her I jumped out of bed and fell to the ground with laughter as I struggled to get dressed, whoops, my bad! Surprise you pervs, we aren’t that type of girlfriends!

~Yes please!
Having wifey stay with me made me realize how much I want a girlfriend. Her juicy snuggles and our respect for one another as woman was extremely comforting.

~Shopping with wifey
These jaunts brought us to Value Village. It became apparent within the first 15mins that this was going to bring some gut wrenching, knee jerking, fall to the ground laughing bouts. This go around we found ourselves buying the most ridiculous outfits to sport for a night we were planning to celebrate the victory of leaving the shit job I finally escaped. It only made sense that once we found our epic, classy jackets we embodied the persona that suited the era. I became her Beatrice and she shall be my Theodore. This rolled out to my other two girlfriends acquiring classic names such as Shirley and Norma.

~Stellar influences
Having wifey around to witness my epic parenting skills made me realize how ridiculous some people may view me. Of course there is zero judgement on wifey’s part, if anything she amped up the game, helping me teach my little such things as…
“Say what? In the butt, butt!”
The word douchebag was used more than usual. At one point as we were coming out of a busy store my little loudly protests, “No you are being a douchebag!”
It only made sense as our tom foolery got out of hand I slowly integrate the transition of using the middle finger in replacement of the the thumbs up while we romped around town. This may be cause for some awkward looks in the near future but what the hell, we be taking the middle finger back, won’t you join!
The holy shit handle was also talked about in excess every time we were in the car.
It’s a good thing I have enough sense to have in depth conversations with my little, stating the fact that most people would take offence to our shenanigans and that it’s important we use it in context, not obnoxiously and only with the right adults. We’ll see how that rolls out. Waiting on the day I’m called into her school for an awkward conversation about my little calling somebody a mother fucker or throwing up her middle finger in celebration or approval, haha!

~Bad ideas become GOOD ideas
It only makes sense we started to ponder the idea of getting “best friend” tattoos after visiting wifey’s friend at his shop. The idea literally makes me fucking cringe. I surely can’t stand having a matching tattoo so I said fuck it, “I’ll just get your name tattooed on me.” I was clearly just stoked on the idea of her getting my name tattooed on her juicy ass! YES please!!!

~OCD mania
Anybody that knows me understands that I like to keep my place in a pretty clean and clutter free state. Having wifey here doesn’t afford me the ability to feel as though my house is in order but I let go and let be, to a degree. Most nights I’d spend at least an hour cleaning before I could sit down and relax. There was a night I got so high and wifey came out of the bedroom to me obsessively cleaning and organizing my fridge. She basically bitch slapped me to get me away from the fridge, but not before I fought her to finish.

~Lets Celebrate
The day I found out that I got my new job I had taken a late lunch with wifey when I got the call. This was cause for some major celebration. Well wouldn’t you know that wifey has a bottle of crown in her car, like a responsible adult right. The fact that I had to go back to work for a couple hours didn’t stop me from guzzling back as much of that crown as I could. That was definitely a first for me to even attempt to come to work remotely intoxicated and I assure you I will never do it again. I perused back in, all gitty and googly eyed, trying to dole out the last tasks of the day, only to realize I royaly fucked up and wasted those two hours on something I personally had to go back and fix the next day. Whoops!

Here’s to a friendship that never falters and stands strong when it’s needed the most. I adore you and love you to the moon and back Wifey! xo

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Let go. Let be. Love!

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