Being raised not to show emotion was such a failure on my mothers part, amongst all else. I can understand the reasoning behind her need to damage us in such a way, as she was extremely unstable; far from being able to handle any kind of disruption to her life. There is no doubt that my naive, young parents should have never had 6 fucking kids. Kudos to “God” on supporting their delusions on that one. Anyways, this is why at times I feel as if I was a raised like a boy. Yes we all know how much we damage the male species by holding them to a different emotional standard than women. Thankfully there seems to be a bit of a shift on that front with the upcoming generations. Since having my daughter over 5 years ago, I have matured exponentially and am by far more self aware. This affords me the ability to better understand and face my learned behaviours. Don’t get me wrong, it will forever be a learning curve; I am far from perfect. I still trip up and fall into my usual tactics of distracting myself with undesirable people and behaviours which usually involves drugs and sex. It starts to spiral out of control when I divert from my routine of healthy life choices and snowballs from there. Yes this is a blaringly obvious failure on my part but it happens from time to time; I’m fucking human.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to release a sadness that surrounds the loss of a childhood friend who was murdered 8 years ago. Every time the day of his death approaches a rush of emotion hits me like a brick wall. The feelings no doubtably morph into something different every year. For many years I fought with anger and revenge surrounding his tragic demise. I now find myself grasping for the love that was lost and the potential future we could have had. It surely doesn’t help that every year I repeat the same pattern of stifling those emotions for yet another year. I seriously go almost the full year where I detach from the emotion and stoically speak of him. What a disservice to my soul, not being able to show the sadness and love that surrounds the memory of him.
This year was even more of a cluster fuck as I faced the challenge of changing career paths. Never did I think it would be so hard to release the last 8 years of hard work and dedication that I put towards my career. As I tried to come to terms with nearing the ultimate end of a successful chapter of my life, I was faced with extremely uncomfortable feelings that I tried to run from; only for it to rear its ugly head in the form of full blown panic attacks, and at work no less. Here I was bruised, battered and broken; a feeling of utter defeat. Once I finally made the hard choice to leave I had to face my bosses and clearly this is where I set myself up for even more disappointment. I was fooling myself in thinking that they would react any other way than they did. I sat in front of them, feeling like a horrible person, sobbing uncontrollably, which again is very unlike me, but it was clear that they could care less. They looked past me, completely detaching from me on a basic human level; attacking me based on their bottom line. Yes, shame on me for thinking the personal relationship I built with my boss the last 8 years would at all factor in as I regrettably said my goodbyes. (Obviously once I stepped away and gave myself time to digest everything I could give two fucks about those assholes and don’t plan to waste another valuable minute of my time feeling sorry for them or myself over the whole situation. It is what it is! Unlike them I get to move on with clarity to adventure onto something new and exciting while they continue to conduct business in such a shameful manner.)
It’s in times like these that I desire the embrace of another; to cry uncontrollably, without hesitation or fear. Thus far in the 34yrs of my life I have yet to find that person. It is still very much my MO to hold back, although the past year as I have delved into some major self work I have come to realize that I am more willing to show people that I am vulnerable. Lately it seems more times than not I find myself having crying outbursts at the most inopportune times. I clearly need to start figuring out how to channel those emotions so I stop scaring the people in my life, because they sure as shit aren’t used to me being like this. I most definitely have a couple of people I can confide in but it’s only over the phone that I am able to really be vulnerable. They no doubtably have had the uncomfortable privilege of hearing me sob uncontrollably on the other end of the phone; yet when it comes to face to face interactions with them I very much keep that wall up.
This is where I am appreciative to have writing as an outlet. When I am faced with lifes curve balls, I sporadically write; sometimes working on a piece for weeks to help me slowly face and release the emotions and thoughts that spin a web of confusion in my head. You poor fools make the choice to join me on this roller coaster of a ride and for that I say, thank you!
It’s when I have hit my rock bottom that I have no other choice but to come back to myself. I must stand alone in order to quiet my mind and find peace, restoring balance in my life again.
***I am thrown off the cliff into the rushing waters of emotion, reality crashing me to the shore of survival. To another day, another dollar.