Seriously it’s ME not you!

You know I met this one on Tinder because it’s apparently the only place I have game. There were factors off the hop that had me weary but this one was a persistent brat and I’m a sucker for nice guys. Not only does he live quite a distance from me, he also has a little in which I find myself feeling uncomfortable in getting entangled with. We continue chatting and I find him intriguing so I meet him for tea. Shit, this one talks more than me and I love it. It takes a certain type of person to shut me up. It was clear he had interesting things to say, otherwise I’d likely not let him talk, haha! He was honest and blunt which is totally my jam.

Later in the week we make plans to meet in my area which basically led to him coming to my house. Right away I found myself setting up boundaries to stick to. Clearly I wanted to be sure I wasn’t a complete fuck face, so I knew the major boundary would be keeping my panties on, haha! Lucky for me that I’m a chick so I can easily blame it on the crazy train and not have him second guess it. It’s still awkward for me because during shark week I could actually give two fucks and if anything I’m even more turned on with the hormones surging through my body. Ok, so whatever we have our fun and part ways… until next time, except my thoughts take control. I started to wonder if I was being an asshole for even entertaining something causal with this guy, it seemed unfair. Even if it was only a 1% risk of exposing him to HSV I found myself starting to panic. Truth be told this one also lives with his parents at the moment, and for good reason, or so I tell myself, ha! Like he needs any more baggage on his end, and I sure as shit didn’t want to be the cause of anything else that added to his “situation”.

Here’s when the wiggle dance really started for me. I begin to exit from back stage, blaming it on our schedules not colliding. I was clear from the get go that I didn’t want to compromise too much of my sans little time and in turn I didn’t want him always adjusting things on his end to accommodate me. Either way there is clearly major truth in that because anybody that knows me gets that I’m an extremely last minute type of person. I rarely make plans and sometimes I stink at sticking to them. It really all depends on where I’m at and what’s happening on that day. I like the little freedom I do have so I try to be carefree and open when it comes to those times. Well this one seems to get me off the hop and is already good at calling it like it is, which I like. If you can’t call me on my bullshit you’ll never survive, haha! Plain and simple, so he thinks. He points out the fact that I have commitment issues, ummm right! It’s likely why most guys don’t mind hanging out with me, because they know I hold little expectation on them. Well here I am getting a little squeamish with him being so blunt and I throw out the fact that there is also a sexual factor that is holding me back. He doesn’t seem to really approach it and stays on the commitment factor.

At this point I’m getting overwhelmed and exhausted. Mainly because I do find him interesting yet my thoughts won’t stop spinning over the potential failure. Apparently I can very easily be viewed as a pessimist in this area of my life, where I have always looked at it as being a realist, haha! I finally get fed up with the interrogation and tell him I don’t care. I send him a link to my blog and tell him to read the entry, “My Uncomfortable Truth.” I was sure he wouldn’t be so persistent about seeing me again after reading it. Well sure as shit he’s still messaging me, asking me questions. I’m not surprised by the inquiries as he’s an inquisitive person. By this point I don’t even want to waste my time talking about it but I am slightly curious where this conversation is going to go, left, right, sideways or upside down. I obviously like to put myself in uncomfortable situations to see how people react.

As this is going down I am quickly realizing how icky I feel over saying the words, “Genital Herpes,” to potential sexual partners. I still very much hide behind the term HSV-2. Argh, it makes me even more upset that I don’t have the gull to just say it. I can quite easily and openly discuss the hot topic with friends and family but that’s one thing. I don’t care about their judgement or the fact that they wouldn’t want to fuck me. When it comes to these guys I feel like they have their hand over the big red eject button, plummeting me into a lifetime of celibacy. It’s likely why my game plan has turned a touch shady. If I can hook these fuckers in with some wicked and unforgettable foreplay maybe their sexual drive will get the best of them and they may be more inclined to adventure with me. That makes me even laugh as I type it. Who am I kidding, I always make myself laugh because I’m a complete moron when it comes to trying to date. I feel like a 16 year old hormone enraged girl who can’t get out of her head and is driven by her throbbing pussy. Ya I sure as shit just laughed out loud, crude and vulgar, what guy wouldn’t want me?!

Anyways I got sidetracked as usual, back to this one, who I have this ridiculous desire to call waterboy, due to my own inside joke that only I laugh at every time I try to say his name. Well to my utter surprise his inquiry rolls into him stating that he also has it, yes he says it. I burst out laughing, thinking what a dick move to make a joke out of it, but kudos to him. I tell him I’m laughing and ask if he’s fucking with me. He insists he isn’t, saying he has had it since his early 20s. I quickly ask/point out the fact that he clearly does not have this conversation with his sexual partners, and he confirms that he indeed does not. He then states that he hasn’t given any of his pervious partners HSV, ~that he knows of, ha!~ The more I write about this and openly discuss it I am realizing that I attach way too much guilt to giving HSV to somebody when in reality the chance is slim, yet that teeny tiny percent freaks me out still. Who am I kidding? It would be like freaking out about getting pregnant every time I had sex with a condom. I sure as shit have never let that ruin my sex life before so why the fuck am I torturing myself with this?

Welcome to my world, always in my head, never able to fully let go.

~Own my half and let the rest be already, stupid shithead.~

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toplessinathongjournal

Let go. Let be. Love!

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