You thought you could stop her…

You stifled her being. You told her that she wasn’t good enough; she wasn’t worthy; nobody wanted her; nobody cared. You replaced a love that should have been unconditional for control and power over her. It was never ending, a vicious cycle of torture. You took her innocence at such a tender age, she became mute, fear was her norm. She began to question all that she was and all that she could be. Was survival her only purpose? It seemed almost impossible to see through the fog of disappointment and pain. Her abuse was her only reality. Was she asking for too much? She yearned to be loved, yet love was something that was so easily taken, abandonment it’s replacement.

Then it happened… It finally happened, she grew up and started to see the world. The smothering grasp of control and brutality was weakening. You could no longer keep your grip. You were more easily shaken. It was becoming harder for you to catch her; run, run, run, don’t look back. She started to find her voice, she now knew with conviction right from wrong. She began to see what love could look like. Deep within her being the fight had just began for what she knew she truly deserved.

But she slipped, she slipped time and time again, still seeing the world through the fog of her past. You had a lingering power over her that pulled her down, down to the darkest lows. The thoughts slipped in, the questions arose and she let the little voice consume her. Who was she? Was she anybody to anyone? Take yourself, nobody would care, they’d forget just as quickly as you’d be gone, free from your own personal hell. Yet it only took one to love her, to keep her here, the love of herself. A pleading, nagging pull from deep within that always reminded her that she was indeed deserving of more than you had given her. Get up, stand up, scream, yell, let it be known. You will not keep her down. She may fall but her being will not shatter, she will only come back stronger. You were the fool, did you not see that you were the one building her future, to conquer you. It was a battle, a struggle to fight for who she knew she could be.

She finally escaped replacing you with him. He kept her small, he kept her drugged, he controlled and manipulated her into believing he was giving her the world. He gave her what she thought was love, yet he took it away from her, held it over her head, told her she was lucky, that she could never get better, that she couldn’t do it alone. She began to question his love, was this the best she could ever hope for? The seed was planted and the dependance grew. She was his and once again she was broken. She justified it, year in, year out, was it not better than what she had, she had nothing and somehow he was everything. The promise of happiness was enough for her.

She was feeling trapped, unhappy and alone. She allowed chaos to take control. Her accomplice then enters from left stage, she made it easy, she encouraged, she enabled. A downward spiral, a detour from reality, she was a ticking bomb waiting to be discovered. She fucked up with no regard. He became suspicious, sensing he was losing her. He stalked her, questioned her, waited until he caught her. He needed to gain his control back. She fell, she fell hard. He trapped her; either flee or be left to grovel at her former abusers feet. No, anything was better than going back to her. She thought he was giving her a ticket out of hell.

She disappeared with him, soon arriving in paradise, with the black cloud looming above her. She had a glimmering hope that she could be free. She wanted to experience the wonders of this new adventure but he wouldn’t allow it. As far as he was concerned the mistakes would be paid back in full and that would be for him to decide. She put her head down and told herself to be thankful, fearful of the hell she had left behind. She was being conditioned for a life of mediocracy. Surely this was the best she could ask for. Wasn’t this normal, what everybody else was doing. This was indeed the happiest she had ever been, so it only made sense she settle.

She stayed on a path of sobriety and soon brought a miracle into the world, an innocence that could never be described, only felt. It turned out that this little being was her true ticket out of darkness. Her capacity to love her was unconditional. She broke her open the way no other could. The rays of light began to shine upon her world, revealing all that lurked in the shadows. She saw the reality that she had created for its worthlessness. The cracks began to show and the foundation quickly crumbled. She questioned all that surrounded her and she soon stripped him from her being. She flew, flew farther and farther from what she once knew, from what she thought her reality would forever be. She was more focused and determined than ever. Her purpose was clear and unyielding.

Little time passes and another enters her world. At first glimpse she’s sure to keep her distance and enters the relationship with boundaries, only seeking something carefree and easy, yet she immediately finds herself playing a game within her head. She slowly allows him to consume her, she leaves her progress and begins to regress. She sees it but can’t seem to flee it. His control and manipulation is too strong, she’s still so weak. The work had just begun and so easily lost. He preyed on her weakness and worked it to his benefit, so blind by his own desires, smothering her being without regret. She allowed him to think she fit so perfectly into his life, never asking for anything in return. Her life held little worth to him, he only cared for her to suit his needs, all the while taking her freedom to continue her self work. She fights with it, within her being to take her power back. He lures her time and time again, a cycle that eventually comes to an abrupt end. She pushes back, she shows him exactly what she wants in her life at that very moment and he refuses to accept her. She finds herself free to walk once again.

Her struggles are far from over, they push back, determined to break her, relentless and ruthless in their attempts. Her reality and failure come crashing in, shaking her to the core. She gains perspective and comes to accept the challenges in their simplicity, determined to no longer break to their will. Delving forward with worthy lessons, her fears disappearing, her power returning. She releases what she once so desperately clung to, the idea of what should have been. Their continued punishment would now be theirs to bear, a burden released. She would no longer wait on their changes, her hope for them dissipates. Their misguided truths no longer relevant. Masks torn off, souls barren, their projections blaringly obvious. Their refusal to seek light within the moment would become their own failure. She holds the power to walk away, there is no stopping her as she continues to strive for her worth. Her awareness more prevalent than ever, her intentions precise and known. Her eyes wide open, peering upon the universe, her truth being spoken.

She joyously returns to herself, as decisive as ever. She exudes a confidence like no other, which attracts him. He appears in the most natural and easy way imaginable. She quickly strikes a balance, realizing he needs it more than her. They are on a journey to find themselves, very much alike, allowing one another understanding and freedom to venture on their own. He is careful not to consume her. His guidance and gentle reminders keep her realistic. His support allows her to spill her truth upon the world unencumbered, propelling her into immense growth. It’s a learning curve as she becomes more drawn to him. There is a struggle for her to appreciate their paths only aligning for a short time. Letting go is harder than she had anticipated but with honesty she releases him with little hurt, forever cherishing their friendship. Yet she often comes back to him, wondering, knowing that within her being there will always be a place for him. The work is far from over but he has taught her that it is possible. Hope will never be lost and the search for balance never ending. She continues upon her path to becoming whole, never underestimating how easily she can be consumed by another. For the first time in her life she is consciously choosing who to accept into her life, leaving many behind.

She will forever face challenges as she searches for what is real, meeting new and trusting again. She now sees her future in her present.

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toplessinathongjournal

Let go. Let be. Love!

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