I wish my life was the Truman show so it wouldn’t just be me laughing at my “fucked up” life but others would be getting a birds eye view and some major entertainment. Yes there would be many laughs along with a lot of head shaking, fist pumping, high fiving and full blown cry fests.
Perfect, only makes sense a bird shit bombs my car an hour after washing it.
~Try again you moron
Remember when I decided to punch that half wall and hit the stud fracturing my knuckle. Hmmm, cool! Here have some morphine while I place your knuckle. Oh fuck why are you screaming at the top of your lungs? That didn’t touch the pain hey. Oh even better, we’re going to cast your wrist and hand twisted up and go right to your elbow for no good fucking reason. Makes total sense right.
~Look a fool
You know when you are full blown solo car dancing and some asshole decides to call you and your blaring music abruptly shuts off. Ya I look even cooler now, right!
~Stupid on repeat
Remember that time I locked my keys in my car then did it another two times on a road trip, all within a weeks time. Brilliant!
~Serves you right fuck head
Remember when I decided to spend a couple hundred to get my ex-engagement ring resized to my middle finger thinking I was pretty funny, then within a months time one of the fucking diamonds fell out. Hmmm, do ya figure that was a sign?! Now it sits in my makeup draw, haha!
**By the way I didn’t maliciously keep the ring like some cunts! I was told to shove it up my ass, haha! Kidding he let me keep it after it sat in a safe for years.
Don’t you love it when you are sick as fuck and finally get your ass to the doctors, wait for hours in the waiting room, keeled over a chair, barely conscious, only to get meds that make you further suffer every fucking side affect listed on the pamphlet. Fuck my life.
~Dinner for one Asshole
We already know the gamble you take when eating Chinese food, so it only makes sense that you find a little extra in a bowl full of diarrhea. Like the time I was mowing down on that fried rice and there was a monster dead ant chilling out on my fork. Good fucking gawd.
~To cum or not
How about the time I was about to cum and my dildo gives way and dies. Right, I didn’t need that vibration mode. Damn it!
~Sleeps for the smart
Remember when I forgot to lock my store up and I had to drive back to the city at 3am. Only makes sense they’d figure that out 9 hours after I closed. Those bastards couldn’t wait another 6 hours when I had to be there to open.
~Stalker for life?
You know that guy who keeps randomly finding me. Well that fucker caught my blog on FB. Lets just say my entry on him quickly came down. This guy is for real.