Day #1, 2, 3… make it stop!

After digging deep and doing some hard self work I have gained strides in who I have become over the past few years.
I find myself effortlessly forming deep connections and bonds with people as I freely share my truth, this in turn affords others to be more open with me.
What I fail to share is the emotion behind my truths, which in turn does not allow me to share myself in my entirety.
When I share my truth with others I detach from the deep rooted emotion behind it, easily making light of it with laughter.
It is extremely rare I reach out to anybody when I feel totally broken and even then those people find it hard to let me release it and I once again find myself holding back.
It then becomes easy for people to ignore that part of my life.
It’s a learned behaviour that to this day keeps breaking my intimate relationships.
By the time I’m willing to share that truth I’ve gone and shoved them right out the door.
How could I ask them to listen now?
It’s lost and I find myself alone.
I wonder how I am suppose to freely share that part of my life with people I am trying to form a fun and easy going relationship with.
Do I just scare them off the hop and lay it all on the table.
I mean I guess I’ve never tried that before so what do I have to lose.
Maybe I make it out to be way more than it needs to be and I am doing myself a disservice by hiding that part of my life.
If I keep closing myself off, who in their right mind would want to fight for me.
When I am struggling I have always been the person you need to dig deep, ask questions and not allow me to give up so easily, but nobody is willing to do that.
This is clearly of my own doing because when I am faced with hardship my MO is to become quiet and shut people completely off.
I mean why would anybody want to ride that rollercoaster with me if I am asking them to do it blindfolded, with ear plugs in and their hands and feet bound together.
It only makes sense that when I fall apart the people in my life are totally thrown by it.
I go from fun and easy going to completely shut off.
I am an emotional mess and nobody knows how to handle me, let alone how the fuck I got myself there.
When things start crashing in I question everything that I am and all that my life entails.
My main struggle then becomes the fact that I have nobody to talk to because nobody truly understands me in my entirety.
The few people that have a glimmer of who I really am are still kept at a distance when I am engulfed in the emotion of it.
I hate to burden people with bad energy so I forcefully work through it on my own.
The odd time I can’t seem to work through it as quickly on my own and I find myself trying to reach out to the people in my life, they easily brush me off, assuming I’m fine, sure it’ll pass quickly as it usually does.
Just give me a day or two and I’m back to my laughing, joking, carefree, social self.
Yes I am lucky that with all the self work I have done over the years I can quite quickly release what I have no control over but it doesn’t mean those outside factors don’t eventually trip me up and make me fall flat on my face.
The reality of my struggles are usually dependant on what others are doing to me.
I try my best in life and sometimes that doesn’t seem to count when people around me can so easily flip that upside down.
That doesn’t stop me from fully blaming and questioning myself before I can step back, own my half and move on.
I was taught at a young age that I was solely to blame for all that went wrong in my life.
It didn’t stop there because I then learned how to take on all of the hardships and struggles that surrounded me as my own.
In my head I became all that was wrong in my world and when you are reminded of that day in and day out by the people who claim to love you, you start believing it.
I then started to enter relationships with the same shame and self blame.
I always took full ownership in all that was wrong in my relationships, I found myself bending over backwards to do more than my share to fix things, to compromise, to conform, to do better, but that wasn’t feasible.
It then gives others an out to treat me badly and take advantage of my good nature, which I of course claim half ownership to as I allow it.
I used to be a glutton for punishment so all you had to do was give me space, time and kindness and I would always be the first to trust again, only to be burned, a vicious cycle on repeat.
Now when I find myself fighting for my worth I will only rock the boat for so long, unwilling to waste unneeded energy before I have to make the hard choices of cutting people completely out of my life.

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toplessinathongjournal

Let go. Let be. Love!

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