Sext me off

Conversation is flowing and you find yourself sending an innocent picture or two. Compliments start swirling about your head and your ego becomes inflated. You giggle and play coy, nudging for more. The heat turns up and your heart starts racing as the blood rushes from your head; it’s game on. PG images are replaced with provocative, sultry, R rated material. The messages are sexy in nature, oozing with desire and passion. Before you know it your hands are moving all over your body, you ease into a reclined position, biting your lip, breathing heavily, begging for more. He has your full attention as you slip your hand into your pants…. Sorry assholes that’s all you get!

In all seriousness do you figure that’s how it plays out? I find myself extremely intrigued to know what other peoples process is surrounding sexting to get off because it sure doesn’t look like that for me. Lets just say that if the messages are coming at you in rapid succession it's clear I'm just playing along. How do you figure I’m texting you that fast and pleasuring myself at the same time? I don't know about you but I need at least one hand to get off and I'm sure not clenching anything in my pussy as I'm trying to text you and make myself cum. I love the, "almost there, keep going", text. Well keep your hand on your dick and stop texting me. I've given you enough material, now close your eyes and use your god damn imagination. But who am I kidding, like you even care, as long as you’re getting the material to get off your concern is far from getting me off. Fuck, or maybe I’m just sexting with the wrong people!

I actually don’t really jam on sexting to get off but I sure do think sexy messages are fabulous! If anything I enjoy using that sexual tension and energy to get off after the fact. Clearly I am a very sexual person so I have definitely found myself playing along, but in that very moment as the exchange is happening I am only doing it for the pleasure of the other person. I like to think that I am pretty efficient and well versed when it comes to dirty messages. Maybe I was meant to be a phone sex operator! Gross, that actually gave me the heebie jeebies thinking about having to listen to randoms trying to blow a load. There have only been a few lucky guys who have gotten me to full blown sext with them for the purpose of getting off and only a couple of those encounters actually lead to me cumming which entails me straight up disappearing from the convo to cum.

The best is when you are online “dating” and a random wants to sext with you before you even meet. I have 100% gone along for the ride a few times and it is hilarious. I personally don't like to full blown sext unless we've met and we have a fierce attraction to one another and even then I’d rather just the real deal at that point. I’d only sext with a guy I was seeing if there was time and distance holding us back. Basically what I am getting at is if we’ve sext before meeting you can be quite certain that I was just playing the role. I'll tell you why, I find it almost impossible to form a connection to a picture and written words therefor real sexual chemistry is lacking. Sexting before meeting can also set you up for some major sexual disappointment or ruin the first encounter altogether.

~Meet Bootyhole

This 26yr old going on 16 was a stretch from the get go. I originally kept my distance due to the age gap but he eventually caught me on a day I was flying high and I found myself giving him my phone number. We started exchanging texts and lets just say it ended there. The first red flag was the fact that I had to google the slang words he was using. These young millennials are too much for me, “Keep your Yeezy’s because you’re too Gucci for me, bye Felicia.” Although I am sure they are thinking the same of me, googling my vocabulary, “I am sick of being dooped by these derelicts.” 26 also tried to play the philosophical role which was utterly hilarious, I enjoyed catching him on the stupidity falling out of his mouth, he back tracked a lot. He seriously referred to himself as a modern day Plato, no kidding. Ummm ok, do you figure that line has ever worked for him? Good gawd! Then the laziness was really starting to show. Pretty sure the word beautiful loses all meaning when you shorten it to beaut. In all seriousness though if you have a god damn iPhone and type b-e-a then tap on the word beautiful it’s one less tap than typing beaut.

Then it happened, on a night that we were having a casual catch up he randomly asks," What position do you prefer, doggy style or cowgirl?" Seriously I had to google cowgirl, my brain doesn't have the capacity to keep track of stupid sex positions, even if they're basic. Lets just say I have never felt the need to know the official names of sex positions in order to practice them. Anyways I can't recall my response but I sure didn't pick one of his choices. By this point I decided to play along to see what lame innuendo would come next. Of course he went straight raunch on me. He didn't even bother to get me going first, I immediately felt icky! Lucky for me, my number one Asshole started messaging me at the same time. As 26 was bombarding me texts I was relaying my disgust to Asshole which made for some pretty epic laughing bouts. Asshole is known for teasing me and before I knew it he was adding to my disdain, telling me to ask 26 for pics of his flaccid elephant penis. After 26 referred to my asshole as my bootyhole I put a complete halt to my messages. "I'm gonna stroke your bootyhole with my finger," does absolutely nothing for me except make me double over in laughter. To this day Asshole still bugs me about bootyhole.

~Meet Zero from Tindy <Ya that’s his reference not mine!

We were both straight up from the get go, looking for casual fun with no strings attached. We all know that was a direct invitation for the messages to go sexual pretty quickly. I’m not an idiot I knew what I was getting myself into. On this very day I found myself bored and interested to see what his style was like. Who was I kidding, clearly he was going to be raunchy which is not my thing. I have come to realize that the men I am encountering have no game when it comes to full blown sexting so their attempts end up coming off as quite entertaining and funny. Honestly, who needs tv when you have online dating! Zeros pictures were the funniest part of the interaction, again quite raunchy and ungroomed, just my luck. When a picture pops up and I find myself saying, “Ewwww!”, out loud, you’ve clearly lost me! When it comes to attraction I have a very particular taste and it isn’t remotely raunchy yet flattering, seductive and innocent. Although who am I kidding guys don't have much to work with when it comes to picture options so it's probably why I'm not very demanding in wanting them. A cute selfie and body shot does me just fine! Lets just say Zero never heard from me again.

The other day as I was laughing with Magic Pussy about the issue of bad dick pics and I proposed the ridiculous idea of a porn mag full of in your face close up dick pics. For serious, why do guys figure that’s a turn on? Maybe I’m just out to lunch and there are lots of chicks who inquire about penis size and want straight up dick pics. I prefer the package deal, please! I mean on numerous occasions MP has so proudly reminded me of her recent fuck toys girth but that's just not me. It’s like telling a guy, “Ya my pussy is so fat and I have the finest beef curtains around,” ahahaha!!!!! I’m so grossed out just typing that, I’m dying inside. Don’t get me wrong MP, I thoroughly enjoy your antics as you are unbelievably hilarious and I know you are just as entertained by it as I am.

I’ll be honest I have a little treasure of pics I tend to use for guys that I’m trying to snag, as I sure can’t be bothered to take new ones every time. I know it's hilarious to think about how many times that picture has gone out and how many dudes have gotten off to it but who the hell cares, it's like porn! Just remember that you aren't special because I'm being a douchebag to everybody, not just you. Fuck that makes me sound like a serial dater or maybe you want to use the word slut, take your pick asshole. I know most of you pricks do the same thing so stop judging me. I fucking love the pictures that are date and time stamped. Whoops, you should disable that on your phone before you start sending dick pics to random chicks, claiming it’s a current snapshot of how aroused you are. Don't get me wrong I love taking pics and videos but when I’m in the moment my intentions are the same as yours, get off as quickly as possible. There is too much angling and posing to get a picture to look sexy so it ends up taking away from the mounting sexual energy.

Basically if you're getting new ones from me we've likely been jamming out on each other for awhile before you get so lucky 😉



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Let go. Let be. Love!

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