~Dating 101; Lessons Learned
*Do you live with your parents?
The last thing I want to do is meet your goddamn parents. Don’t get me wrong they’ll adore me, that’s the problem, haha! Plus I'm too fucking old to be dating somebody who lives with their rents.
*Do you have roommates?
Ya that 20yr old you live with who’s always home and super obnoxious is a game changer, I’m out.
*Do you have a kid?
I’ve already got one thanks, but no thanks!
*Do you have furry pets?
That’s cool just keep em out of your room, unless you want me snotty and wheezing. Although if you find yourself “wearing” your animal when you leave the house, spare me, I don’t have a pet for a reason.
*Do you have daddy or mommy issues?
Basically are you going to be a lazy, self righteous, demeaning asshole or a cling on?
*Are you a gamer?
Waste of time, get a real hobby.
*Location, location, location.
It's like car insurance, to and from work within 15kms. I don't have time for anything else.
~Sex me up
If you're so lucky to snag me I'd love to gross people out with PDAs! I adore people who can't take their hands off each other and don't give two fucks what anybody around them thinks. We are sexual beings so why not!
The gist of it is I don’t like to do it so I sure as shit don’t want your ungroomed dick pics or videos and NO I don’t have snapchat either.
(You know a full entry on sexting is coming!)
Groom that shit and don’t neglect your asshole either. You never know where the night may take us. Get over it, you’ll like it I promise!
Making out is a huge turn on so take your time, we can go all night!
Nope don't wanna hear it during foreplay, wait till the heat is turned up and you have me moaning, penetration should have happened by this time as well. Just read the cues you idiot, if I’m not playing along stop doing it. Seriously, I won't beg for anything unless I want to, so stop trying to demand a goddamn please out of me. I don’t have manners when I’m in it to win it!
Get it right; I don't want you to spank me as if I were a child who just spilt ice cream on your shoe for fucks sake.
Common courtesy would be to have the conversation before you start playing the role and assuming I’ll go along because it sure as shit is hard for me to keep a straight face. Role playing is seriously just not my jam. I only like to play the submissive role! The teacher/student thing is the worst for me. Can you stop threatening to put me in detention and get me wet already!
Do you have a healthy relationship with porn? No dude I don't think it's cool that it takes over an hour of hard labour to get you off, I’m bored. If I wanted a lame work out I would have gone to the gym and had those roid monkeys jerk off to me instead.
If you can’t live without em you should be straight up, don’t waste my time. I dislike my feet so there’s no way I’m letting you jam on that shit.
*Drunk as a skunk
As Magic Pussy puts it, “If you are wanting me to be a booty call and you decided to get fucking wasted and then can’t cum if your life depended on it, don’t bother calling me… I’m not down for having carpel tunnel, stiff neck or lock jaw.”
If you wanna go all night it’s likely a necessity at that point so have that shit on hand.
MP, “We’re not 20 anymore it’s fucking necessary.”
Don’t ever say, “No I don’t have a condom. Is that a deal breaker?” What the shit dude! No dumby the girl isn’t suppose to have the condoms, like I keep an array of choices in my back pocket. Also don’t be a complete fucking douche and “accidentally” stick it in either.
MP, “If a condom is not being used have the conversation before you stick your dick in me and cum twice… Don’t send me a text message after I’ve went home and be like, Oh are you on the pill?!”
Hey if it’s our first go around, get the fuck outta there already. Sure ain’t sexy when I have to keep swatting you away from my asshole, jesus lord dude get the clue. Plus anal is kept for fierce sexual connections, not everybody gets that privilege. I think it’s only fair if you want to give it somebody in the ass you MUST take it first and no not with one of those fancy vibrating anal plugs either. I mean you can start with easy ass play but the real deal should be had, mainly because I want you to experience rough, unlubricated anal sex and what the aftermath of that feels like. Maybe next time you decide to give it to somebody you won’t be a complete selfish prick and keep it lubed. In all honesty if that was mandatory protocol we’d be turning “straight” guys bisexual one by one. The world would be full of so much love and rampant STDs, haha!