~You told me you never knew I was funny.
Apparently my sense of humour didn’t show in that 16yr span of knowing me.
~My sister called me a narcissistic sociopath.
~You used to say, “Don’t slam that door or I’ll slam you.”
Then one day you decided to switch it up and yelled, “Don’t bang that door or I’ll bang you.”
Pretty sure I died of laughter and you of embarrassment.
~I was so out of it I tried to shove a second tampon into my snatch.
Jesus lord the shit woman suffer through.
~That guy called you a cunt!
Don’t fool yourself MP, it’ll happen again and I’ll likely be there instigating it.
~That guy told me he was a writer and I sent him the link to this blog and I never heard from him again.
Whoops, shoulda warned him!
~You were 18 and thought a pound of rocks weighed more than a pound of feathers even after it was thoroughly explained to you.
Stupid is forever stupid I tell ya.
~That guy asked us to watch his phone and we decided to snoop and take selfies.
Sorry S, he probably jerks off to those selfies now!
~We had a threesome and high fived after.
~You went on a first date with that chick who showed up with a fox tail on.
Yup that’s right we live in an age of lost Millennials.
~I told you I had a kid at the end of our first date and your eyes almost fell out of your head.
~I fired that girl in the Starbucks line up.
~I was taking a shower at the gym and somebody took an explosive dump at the same time.
I swear I couldn’t get myself clean enough after that.
~That girl got so drunk and we woke up to her squatting in the middle of your living room floor taking the longest pee of her life then she passed out in it.
~I told you that my pussy was going to die while waiting on that guy to get back.
I’ll let you know how that turns out.
~You told me I’d still make a sexy fat person.
Remember that shit D! 😉
~You offered to leave a steamer on that guys lawn for me.