Meet Douchebag #2
Yes this one takes the #2 spot as the official douchebag #1 standing is reserved for another special someone. My hope is that douchebag #1 will relinquish the title one day but as long as he keeps being a selfish prick he’s claimed his stake.
#2 is well rehearsed, as most are. He initially woo’s me with his travels of the world. We hang out a couple times before he invites me to a friends birthday party. At first I am hesitant as I’m not one to move so quickly but I rarely get a Saturday night off and find myself entertaining the idea. I inquire about what the night may entail and he lets me know that it’s a gathering at his close friends house. #2 is only a couple years younger than me so I mistakingly assume it’ll be a chill hang out with some like minded people. I’m pretty easy going and can make new friends quite effortlessly so I decide to join.
I work till 9:30 so I make arrangements to pick him up around 10, as he’s on my way. When I arrive we get to chatting and I realize his speech is slow and his eyes are glazed over. We hit up the liquor store and as soon as we get into the car he cracks a beer. Ummm, ok I guess he can’t wait. This is the opportune time for me to ask how much he’s already drank or if he’s smoked up. He says he’s not high which makes me realize he’s hit the sauce a bit too hard before my arrival. I brush it off and we make our way to his friends house which he struggles to find.
The red flags start slapping me in the face. When we finally find the place I park and he slams the rest of the beer, opens the car door and throws it out. What the fuck dude, how old are you? I get out and grab the can, noticing his exit from the car is slow and laboured. Jesus, this asshole is wasted, fuck me! My inner dialogue is fierce by this point. “Ok B relax, just have a couple beers and hopefully you’ll meet some cool people.” We make our way to the front door and as I go to grab the doorknob the door flys open and a chick comes falling out. “HOLY FUCK B you are at a twenty-something house party! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! What did you get yourself into?!”
We make our way through the hoards of 20yr olds dashing out the front door to make an appearance at the bar and I’m gritting my teeth at this point. “Take a deep breath B, just have a drink then get out.” Lucky for me as I make my way in I notice that the remaining crowd is around my age and I begin to relax. I crack a beer and find myself talking to a pretty cool chick. We are deep in conversation when #2 obnoxiously interrupts us. He has verbal diarrhea and before I know it he’s spewing about how my priorities are different than theirs, that I have a kid and my free time is valuable. What that shit, literally, this guy is a stinky turd. We ignore him and continue talking when another person joins. #2 fucking does it again, introduces me and basically says the same thing to this guy. Ok asshole, why are you trying to out me? Like these people even need to know I have a kid let alone the fact that he is making me out to be some fucking snotty bitch who’s too good to be here.
This is when my efforts to convince him to leave commence. I figure if I can coax him to go back to his place and fuck, I could bolt out of there. Basically my thoughts surrounding the way it would go down would be that after arriving at his house, he’d exit my car and I would speed off into the night, haha! Nope this guy is stupid drunk and probably knows he wouldn’t even be able to get it up at this point, so he wards off my proposals. We are not even an hour into being there and #2 starts becoming belligerent. He’s pointing and making fun of people for no apparent reason. I am mortified. You know that guy who shows up at every party without an invitation. The one nobody wants to be around. Well holy shit I came to the party with that guy. FUCK ME!
It was only a matter of time before #2 decides to crack his 2/6 of gin. “Shit think faster B, you gotta get out of here.” He can barely hold onto the bottle so I try the good old swap out. I grab the 2/6 and put a beer in his hand. Nope that doesn’t work, he gets annoyed with me and snatches the 2/6 out of my hand. Sure as shit, within a minutes time he’s unknowingly pouring the gin onto floor in front of me. I grab for it and he snaps at me like a child, waving me and the mess off. What a disrespectful little prick, doesn’t even have the decency to try and clean it up. I make haste and clean the mess up then I ask where the bathroom is. “Yes B, go to the bathroom and make your escape!” I sneak to the back of the house and unlucky for me there is no exit. My only alternative is the hope that #2 is distracted when I get back so I can sneak out the front. Well just my luck, as soon as I walk into the living room he’s locked eyes with me. FUCK!
At this point there is no way I could even try to gracefully leave. He is so plastered that he will surely make a scene or try to leave with me. I have no choice but to solicit the help of a stranger, the girl I initially found conversation with when I arrived. “Look, I’m too fucking old for this shit. Will you please help distract this asshole so I can get the fuck out of here.” She sees the desperation in my eyes and decides to help me. She coaxes #2 into the kitchen to share his 2/6 with the other partygoers. As soon as he’s got his back to me she turns, looks me dead in the eyes and says, “RUN!” You bet your fucking ass that’s exactly what I did. I dash for the front door where I am able to quickly dart behind a half wall for coverage in case this derelict decides to turn around. I grab my shoes, swing the front door open and run barefoot down the street. I get to my car in lightening speed and haul ass to my friends house.
Almost an hour later I receive the first of many texts, “Where are you?” Did this fucking moron just realize that I was gone? I turn my phone off and when I leave my friends place I notice a few more texts but don’t bother to look. In the morning I realize he’s been blowing my phone up until 4:30am. 10+ messages, 14 missed calls and a voicemail. I can’t stop laughing at the voicemail, “Nice B*, classy, just classy!” Oh my gawd dude are you serious, calling me classy? Obviously I ignore it all in the hopes that he disappears off the face of the earth. Nope, it could never be that easy for me. He texts me a couple days later asking me what happened. Seriously #2 if you even have to ask me that question an explanation isn’t worth my time. Another week rolls by and he texts me again, “Hey. Are you ready to hang out again?” HOLY FUCK I have a stalker on my hands, I block his number.
This whole debacle happened early in the new year. Fast froward to a few weeks ago and I find myself downtown, on a bench, headphones in, sipping a tea, and reading a book. Somebody taps me on the shoulder, I turn around and I’m starring #2 in the face. “Argh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.” He tries to strike up a conversation and I begrudgingly entertain him.
#2- “Hey it’s so nice to see you.”
#2- “I just wanted to say sorry for the way our relationship turned out. I really liked hanging out with you.”
(Relationship???…What planet is this guy living on?)
#2- “I’m on my way to a friend’s wedding.”
#2- “You look like you’re enjoying your summer, got a lot of sun. You look great.”
I nod motioning for his departure and turn back to my book, put my earbuds in and laugh out loud. Holy shit this guy doesn’t have a clue.
A week passes and I find myself back downtown with my little in tow. There is an event in full swing and we are making our way through the crowds of people. We pause to take a break and I am not fucking kidding, somebody taps me on the shoulder. I turn around, “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU AGAIN?!”
#2- “Hey!Look at that, we bump into each other again.”
No words are spoken, I look at him dumbfounded and immediately turn my back to him. The fucking audacity to bother me when I’m with my little. Get fucked buddy, I hope you trip and fall on your dick, paralyzing it.