B to J; to T; to E; to K

Quick back story of my dating life. My first “real” relationship was with J when I was 17 which lasted for just over a year, basically ending due to it moving into a long distance relationship. Lets be honest I’m glad it ended sooner than later, pathetic puppy love. I have some funny stories about that one which I’ll have to share another time. I was in the single and mingling game for maybe 6mnths before meeting T. T was my crutch and I clung to the dream of him for 14yrs. Ahhhhh, my stomach clenches as I type that. I think it will take me another 14+ yrs to fully feel like I own my life again. It’s likely why I keep the idea of being in a committed relationship buried in the deepest, darkest crevasses of my being. There is clearly more back story but I basically feel as though my whole life I have given my power away. I had given that power to my mother for more than the first half of my life, the second chunk I allowed T to control and manipulate. You think I would have learned after escaping T but I didn’t. E then entered my world and for almost a year I allowed myself to be consumed by his desires and needs. In the midst of trying to fully break away from E, I met K. K restored my hope in all aspects of my life, not only in finding somebody who I could be compatible with, sexually and intellectually, but in my personal and professional journey as well. K was part of a major kick start.

Back track to T, clearly a full book would be needed to encapsulate that relationship so for now we’ll let it be. After T left I had zero desire in seeking to replace him. By this point I was starting to convince myself I would be happy if I were single the rest of my life. I was more interested in delving into some major self work. I kept my head buried in my home and work life. I forged a strict routine which consisted of early wakeful hours, reading and being quiet. I started running, around 20kms a week, I completely cut sugar out of my diet and started eating a vegetarian based diet, quickly dropping 10 unneeded pounds. I found myself longing for more time in the day to do the things that I truly loved, I no longer wanted work to be all consuming. I was somebody who had convinced themselves that I NEEDED no less than 8 hours of sleep a night. I soon realized this wasn’t the case and began sleeping a consistent 6 hours a night. Fast track 6mnths into my self work and T has a major heart attack which brings us closer than we had been in years. We are back to being best friends, able to talk openly and honestly about the last 6 months. In that time we kept one another at arms length. We were still friends but kept the details of our personal life out of our interactions. In this time he was telling me about all of his dating adventures and upcoming ones at that. One good share was about a chick that was persistent about having anal sex which I found thoroughly entertaining. I was intrigued yet slightly dumbfounded that I wasn’t allowing myself to explore this aspect of my life. Truthfully I wouldn’t have been ready for it any sooner and obviously looking back on it now I wasn’t ready for it then either. My self work had just begun and I wasn’t strong enough to bring somebody into my life, even if I went into it with the best intentions.

Hello POF, the “dating” site for rejects. Sure, sure there is the odd good bird on there but it’s likely because they don’t know any better, haha! T was on this site and seemingly having fun so I thought why the hell not. It was that very day he had told me about it that I found myself on there setting up a profile. What a tedious task at that, why the fuck did they want all this useless information and to boot I had to write shit about myself. This was a hard feat seeing as I am known for coming off as a difficult read through my writing, I am annoyingly sarcastic. Either way I went into it with the idea of nothing less than having fun and meeting new people.

Enters E, a gentlemen who had me laughing at his first message. There wasn’t much to be said before we were planning to meet for coffee the next day. Whoa ya, you’re likely thinking, desperate. Nah I was far from that but it’s kinda my jam. I’d take a face to face interaction over numerous messages any day. Gets the pathetic, useless ones out of the way quicker. I was straight forward, open and honest in what I was looking for. Basically something casual and fun with no strings attached. I wanted my real life to be separate from my dating life. It wasn’t because I was hiding who I was, my life is an open book, yet it was the idea that I had no plans to include anybody into that aspect of my life anytime in the near future. I knew I still had a lot of self work ahead of me and my down time was essential. Anyways my relationship with E is a whole other lengthy, laughable entry. Basically what I am getting at is the fact that I still wanted to have an open relationship in the aspect that I didn’t want to hold him back from finding his ideal mate which wasn’t me. As long as there was honesty I was down to play. The attempts at dating for E didn’t look like much as it became blarringly obvious that his bar was set so high that he was seriously searching for a unicorn or as my gf would say a miracle. Let’s be honest I was seeing red flags with E from the very beginning but I figured if I could just keep my distance and continue looking for my ideal there would be no harm. Within the year of seeing E I hadn’t been looking very hard, luckily only encountering one major flop of a date, in addition to meeting another guy I ended up staying casual friends with. You’ll hear about that flop of a blind date I set myself up on another time. That’s right reread that sentence!! Anyways shaking E was a miserable dragged out sequence of events which I was fortunate enough to take away some major lessons.

Then K organically enters my world around the time I had ended things with E. I picked K up in the hot tub at the YMCA, oh ya I still got game! Off the hop we are both upfront in letting one another know that we are freshly out of “relationships”(quotations are for E). Neither of us are looking for anything but fun and holy shit talk about chemistry. I seriously never knew what sex could be like with such a fierce attraction, the chemistry was real and we were oozing pheromones. We’d tease one another that we had ruined each other sexually because it was hard to imagine anybody coming near what we had. Even with that connection we knew it was extremely important to let one another be free to explore. Initially it was easy to keep our distance and come at each other casually. Throughout the time I was seeing K I was determined to put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. This became more and more difficult as time slipped by. K and I started to form a deeper connection, a friendship. I found myself being drawn to him but knew the timing was totally off. By this time K had found H and I knew he needed to be free from me to explore what that relationship could look like. I had my ups and downs with desire and reality but luckily came out of it with great appreciation for the way it all played out. Over the year of playing with K I came to appreciate the female form, allowing myself to explore what felt extremely natural. This has now played into what my ideal relationship/scenario looks like…

 

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toplessinathongjournal

Let go. Let be. Love!

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