It’s not attainable but at times I find myself holding back out of fear, fear of being judged.
Why? Who cares?
If you do, stop following my blog because I’ll tell you right now, I’m far from perfect.
It’s not attainable but at times I find myself holding back out of fear, fear of being judged.
Why? Who cares?
If you do, stop following my blog because I’ll tell you right now, I’m far from perfect.
An impossible love
A fight no longer
Why am I here
An inevitable end
You can’t see the remedy
I’m slipping away
I beg for you to fight
For your happiness
To stop grasping
My eyes peeled back
No longer idle
A choice you made
You pushed eject
A broken hope
A heavy heart
A truth only for you
Waiting at the shore
As you drown in the sea
I stand alone
Anger rushes me
Sadness follows suit
The highs untouchable
A love is lost…
My heart is calling and my body aches
The memory of you is everywhere yet you are nowhere
Slowly slipping away
Grasping at the little bits left behind
Lost within my mind
Sadness takes hold as my eyes become heavy
Drifting into the dream of you
Your voice beckons as I frantically search the endless bounds within
You elude me yet I awake in comfort
It’s in the knowing that I find solitude
You are free to finally be
The days slip away and distance creates a gap
A quiet understanding, lulling over me
Who we once were will never be
You will forever hold a place within my being that moves me like no other
Well don’t you know it, this dumb fuck did it again. Still slipping and tripping onto my stupid face as I try to gauge the current cluster fucks in my life. Insert R* back into the equation… Here I was thinking my logic could trump my emotions but it goes without saying that I’m a weak mother fucker for human connection. Since my last post on R* (Mother Fucks~) I gained distance and found perspective where I was able to form a nicely packaged box of understanding that I slipped him into. Seemingly the box gave me control because I planted a mother fucking trap door to release him into oblivion when the time came. I preemptively had my finger over the trigger, in hopes I could hit it before he had another chance to disappoint me. How did this look in my head? The plan was to keep my distance by limiting my communication with R* so I could continue to detach. In a sense I wanted to be able to play his game by keeping it purely sexual and in the moment. This meant our plans to hang out needed to be somewhat last minute to avoid the common occurrence of him bailing last minute. It fucking worked, ONCE, then the tricky mother fucker pulled a jack-in-the box move on me. This all came right after what I thought was a common understanding of how “we” (reality-just me) were going to move forward to avoid the same bullshit. This is how the most recent fuck you rolled out…. Our usual day where we spend the night together rolls in and we find ourselves schmoozing one another for the majority of the day, eventually making plans to hang out. The evening creeps in and sure as fuck his games start. His shitty time management excuse rips the corner edge of the box open. Red light bitch, red light! I give him an out to pull the plug on the night now otherwise if he bails any later this bitch hits the trigger and the trap door gets released. I sure as shit wasn’t gonna crawl into bed just to have him flake on me two hours later because his whiney bitch ass got too fucking tired. In the midst of trying to explain this to him, in a much nicer way, my communication gets muddled and he ends up taking the out, apparently thinking I was the one pulling the plug on the night. Well this dumb fuck gets butt hurt even though I literally just gave him the option to bail. Let’s back track for a second so you can further understand where my hidden disappoint comes from. It was my birthday and as some of you may know already I seriously go out of my way to be sure nobody really knows the actual day it lands on. This stems from my very early years of being raised as a JW, so birthdays were always complete shit to me. Then as I got older I began to form my own opinions on commercialized holidays which has basically lead me to flat out avoiding that shit as much as possible. I really only enjoy the idea of holidays if they come from a place of intimacy and genuine connection, otherwise get fucked folks. Anyways to *R’s credit he had no idea it was my birthday and in all honesty he could probably give two fucks either way. This is exactly why I fucking hate holidays because not only do they create unneeded pressure and expectations, they further disappoint when something shitty happens on the so called deemed special day, creating another layer of fuck yous. At any rate it’s clear that if I did tell R* that is was my birthday the effort would have likely been forced and disingenuous, in turn delaying his usual tactics for a later date. The fact that it’s my birthday should have zero relevance to R* making an effort to be with me. I guess the point is that this dumb fuck attached my birthday to a night of fun with R* which played into the real disappoint and hurt of him trying to bail. Either way I sure as fuck wasn’t going to play the birthday card on him.
Fast forward to me expressing my partial disappointment to R*, which leads him to apologizing and offering to still come over. He gives me more than enough time before arriving to let me stew over my pathetic hurt feelings… big mistake R*! The disappointment quickly turns into angst as the never ending story of failed relationships shoves me to my knees. I find myself having a little freak out, calling S* to word vomit in the hopes of releasing the emotion attached to putting myself in this fucking situation again. It eventually morphs into a cluster fuck of other thoughts regarding the shit storm of a life I’m currently living and I begin to feel like I’m suffocating. It takes R* a couple of hours to get to my place and by this point I think I’ve composed myself enough to let go and enjoy the night/my birthday with him. This bitch was fooling herself as per usual. As soon as R* slips into bed and I feel his body against mine my weakness for human connection flips me upside down. I find myself sucking back tears as I try to smother my thoughts with deep breathing. He wraps himself around me, and I feel the warmth of his security engulfing me. He gently encourages me to talk but I stumble to find the words, initially getting even more frustrated in the fact that I can’t seem to get a well formulated thought out. We talk for awhile but I end up feeling even more fucking annoyed and upset because it’s really just a surface understanding. I express the fact that it’s hard for me to open up to somebody when it’s one sided. Due to our arrangement I never really allowed myself to form a deeper connection with R* which comes from a place of wanting to protect myself. R* kindly offers to open up and be that person for me but I refuse knowing this will only cause me more pain when our arrangement comes to an end.
This also plays into why I have zero desire to seek out professional help in times of hardship. I find that when advise and understanding are being given to me by somebody I have little connection with I might as well be talking to a brick wall. People can blab their perspective at me all they want but the reality is that I already know my faults and weaknesses. I have been living the entirety of my life slowly figuring out what healthy relationships are and how to set clear boundaries for all parties involved, myself included, but it sure as shit doesn’t mean I still don’t fuck up. Initially I may be clouded but I eventually hit that wall which forces me to open my eyes and see the bigger picture. That is when I gain my control back by turning to my healthy coping mechanisms. All I need to do is come back to myself, ride solo for awhile, be strict with my routines and turn to my most important tool of writing to release my thoughts and emotions. At the end of the day if anybody can give me ultimate understanding and perspective in this hairy thing we call life, it’s me. It wasn’t until my split from T*, three years ago, that I was propelled into finding an extremely healthy lifestyle, affording me the ability to find this process which helps empower me to fight through the storms. With that said there is no doubt that I have people in my life I can turn to but I am cautious in how much I share of myself. When I speak my truth I try to keep it short, sweet and somewhat vague, usually hiding the emotion attached to it. By telling my story in great detail over and over again to people who do not play a role in finding a solution only results in a lot of wasted energy and time. Through my journey I have realized that I need to make a more conscious effort to limit myself from verbally speaking about my cluster fuck of hardships because it can easily turn into gossip if it falls on the wrong ears. I often have to ask myself the purpose behind speaking my truth to be sure it is coming from a place of seeking real understanding otherwise I feel like it can easily come across as a complaining pity party. When I allow myself to pointlessly go there I end up walking away feeling even more disappointed. This is where S* enters from stage left, hallelujah! She is the only person in my life that I have been able to find real understanding with. This comes from the fact that she has trusted me with her full truth which has allowed me to freely share mine without hesitation or fear. Plus she’s super rad and lets me to talk in circles as she sits quietly, allowing me to come to my own conclusions and understanding. I am one lucky bitch to finally have somebody like her in my life. Over the past year of getting to know each other we have been able to form such a deep connection that it’s as if she’s been a part of my life forever. That’s how substantial her friendship is, as she has played a major role in my exponential growth the last year. She was there for me when I hit some major lows and her friendship never faltered, unlike my crazy ass who tried to bolt at one point when I felt completely out of control. She made it extremely easy to come back to her because she never closed herself off to me. She graciously gave me the space and freedom to find myself again. It wasn’t until I felt strong enough that I slowly came back to her, realizing the true value she adds to my life. More than ever before she understands and appreciates my boundaries and helps me stick to them. Bottom line is she respects the fact that I need strong people in my life who won’t enable my common occurrence of detouring from my healthy lifestyle.
~Venture on B~Venture on~
B*-I feel like complete shit and at this point I’m just trying to keep it together to get through the day. I’m sure work will be a good distraction cause this Bitch can’t stop crying. I’m sick of this cycle, talking about the same bullshit with people…. for what! I need some solo time to get through this and feel it. I just want this day to pass like any other. The more I think about the fact that it’s my birthday and the fact that I feel like this, the worse I feel. Not sure if I’ve ever wanted to take a mental health day on my birthday before, fucking first for everything. I stayed up till like fucking 1am with R* crying and talking about the same bullshit about not having people in my life and I hate myself more for even going there. Such pointless chatter, same story and it holds no meaning. Talking about it does fuck all, except make me feel worse. There’s never understanding because it’s my story, it’s only mine to understand. I mean I at least feel like you understand, obviously why I only talk to you but everybody else can go get fucked already because it loses all meaning as soon as they choose to forget about it and act like fuckfaces. Ha this is making me feel better… thanks for the no choice vent S! 😝 It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want too😅
S*-It’s good that you know what you need and will go for it. Take the time for yourself today. You type/process way faster than me. I can’t keep up! I think it’s good to talk things through because it’s another way of processing and sometimes you can gain a different perspective. Although it would be nice to talk it through with the people involved maybe they’re not always the best choice. Possibly part of why there is a problem with them in the first place. Be mindful of who you talk to if you can. Obviously you have to talk to the people involved to an extent so they know what you need from them.Take care of yourself today xoxo Ha omg that last one made me laugh.
~~~After spending hours trying to write another entry on R*, my evening started to near an end and before I could call it a night the loveliest of souls reached out to me-A*.
(A* is currently fighting through a hardship himself)
A*-Sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve been struggling a bit here.
B*-I get that, find what you need as you ride the wave. Sometimes it’s quiet.
A*-Need to get into a routine of self care.
B*-I’m sorry you haven’t found the time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you are in “survival” mode and that’s never a good feeling to be stuck there but it’s clear that you are aware of what needs to happen in order to find balance. Stick with it, you are your only advocate babe!
A*-I could totally crawl into your bed right now.
B*-Ohhhhh you know I’d love that 😉 This one is a sucker for human connection. My shit surely doesn’t compare to your current struggle but I had such a rough night and day.
A*It’s all relative, there is no better or worse. If you want to talk about it I’m here to listen. But if you’re tired of thinking about it I hope I can offer distraction 🤗
B*-Yeah my heart feels really heavy today.
A*-I’ll be up for a while if you find yourself awake.
B*-The thought counts. Maybe it’ll help me release some of these icky feelings before I close my eyes.
A*-Do you have any routines you use in times like these?
B*-Mainly mantras and writing. Mantras distract me in an effort to stay composed and writing allows me to release it. I have a question for you… but also understand if you feel worn out and don’t wanna talk about it.
A*-Ask away please…
B*-Just curious if you’ve been able to verbalize your pain in an effort to process everything and release that energy? Or have you been trying to do it alone?
A*-I have been really open with the people that are close to me but I guess I haven’t been that good at truly verbalizing how I’m feeling. I feel tremendous sadness, frustration, even a little bit of anger. I find it hard sometimes to find the balance of being open and oversharing with the wrong audience.
B*-I like the last thing you said. “Oversharing with the wrong audience”. I find when I try to allow myself to go there, it ends up feeling like a disconnect, as if I’m talking to a councillor. I end up feeling worse and totally shut people out. That happened last night for me. I allowed myself to go there and it felt pointless in the end. Now I’m here struggling with it.
A*-That has always been an issue for me. When it happens I shut down to everyone.
B*-As you know I struggle to find even one person who I am that comfortable with. We are a lot a like, I think that’s why there’s this quiet understanding and when you were here last I really felt that connection with you.
A*-I agree with that completely. I really felt emotionally safe with you.
B*-It’s clear you’re a really genuine person and I really trust you. Honestly just messaging you makes me wanna cry….in a good way! I have honestly never felt a connection like that with anybody, let alone a stranger 😉 It was raw and genuine… something I’ve always looked for in people.
A*-I feel that personalities like ours allow others to feel safe to share but we take it on often as our own cross to bare. Rather than allowing their emotions and words to flow through us and especially when we’re managing our own demons some of others “baggage” gets stuck and burdens us. Then we feel guilty and weak…
B*-Argh you articulate it so well. This is why I was quiet today, because there is an understanding that you are burdened with your own troubles.
A*-And same for me as to why I was quiet. It’s connections like that, in those small quiet moments that make me feel human.
B*-Yes… human and not alone!
A*Yes, very human and very much not alone.
B*-I’m huggin my phone, are you getting that haha…Really I’m spooning the shit outta my pillow.
A*-I sure am b.
B*-Thank you for being you and allowing yourself to share that with me.
A*-It helps me so much being able to be open in the safe space you create.
B*-I agree I surely am yearning for that in my current head space. Can I share something with you…. As if you will say no 😉
B*-Basically I’m telling you this out of understanding as to why it sucks to be in this head space today. Birthdays really aren’t a huge deal for me and if anything it’s another one of those things that I find more meaning in when it comes from a place of intimacy, and not pressure and expectation. If anything I’ve always celebrated my birthday come the new year and quietly acknowledge it to myself on the actual day. Anyways I’m officially 35 today and it felt like a really fucking shitty day…Nope and please don’t say happy birthday, not the reasoning behind the share!! Basically it comes from a place of feeling alone.
A*-I definitely wasn’t… I always find specific celebratory days strange because every day should be celebrated in a way and it causes unnecessary pain when hard, challenging, shitty days fall on so deemed “special” days….
A*-It just adds so much pressure that is unnecessary.
B*-But this makes it a reality, that it is just another day. I can’t say I’ve ever had a good birthday but this one was a fuck show of emotions. I was literally bawling the whole way into work then had to shove it so deep just to get through the day and I hate being fake as shit.
A*-An added blow.
B*-The thought of taking a sick day actually crossed my mind.
A*-I hate having to do that.
B*-At the end of the day our reality is that life gets crazy in so many ways and its important to put things into perspective so you don’t allow yourself to sweat the small stuff for too long.
A*-I wish today was a day that broke the tradition of past birthdays, I know the feeling of having to shove those emotions down deep just to get through the day. It’s suffocating and feels like I’m being dishonest with myself. But sometimes it’s what has to be done to be a functioning member of society. As long as I am able to release the pressure from those days soon after I feel that I can handle them when they occur. I often do find perspective after or during those times cause I always take comfort that I am choosing to be this way, it’s not how I operate on a normal basis. I become proud of myself for how I am on those better days. I hope I’ve made sense…
B*-Yes of course I like that you get me. You say it in such a lovely way 😉 I’m chuckling because I have the funniest way of expressing myself through writing! I often wonder how people read it but the fact that it hasn’t scared you off… makes me feel like I’m winning.
A*-You’re winning B, you’re winning at so much.
B*-Oh this I know. In the midst of feeling alone today I definitely had peaks and my little being reminds me every time I’m with her that I’m winning. Ebbs and flows.
A*-Like the tide.
B*-And this…. YOU, are also a kind reminder that I’m getting somewhere in life. Drawing some real good creatures into my heart circle 😉
A*Here’s a little story about a little boy and his favourite beach and how it relates to life…..When I was a boy I would go down to our beach every day, sometimes the tide was in and sometimes it was low. When the tide was in it was easier to drag my little boat to the waters edge, the water was warm as the water flowed over the rocks warmed by the summers sun. I liked it when the tide was in, it was easier and the swimming was pleasant. When the tide was out I was sad because I couldn’t swim, and I couldn’t drag my boat all the way down those jagged rocks to the water. But with the low tide, I found wondrous things. Things I would normally never see, sea life and other things that live quite comfortably at the low points on the beach. There was always something new to explore and see. So when the tide is high some things are easier, it’s comfortable. But the low tide offers great things, you just have to make your way down the beach to find them… And before you know it the tide returns and the water warms, but now you can see the entire beach in your mind, knowing what’s beneath me. I’m not sad as I paddle over.
B*-You’ve been flowing with the universe since you were a little being😍 You make my heart happy. The loveliest, thank you for making my heart happy by simply being you and sharing what you know and what you keep close to your heart.
A*-I’m glad you get me. That makes me happy.
B*-I’m grateful to close my eyes in comfort tonight. I hope you feel the warmth of my energy so you too find a quiet place tonight 😘 I’m itching to see you again 🤗 Even if it’s just to hang out and be quiet together! I’m off to close my eyes now😘 Hug yourself for me🤗 Cause this body pillow is my bitch tonight…gonna squeeze it and drift off to thoughts of you ✌️😴
A*-Ok lil B you sleep nice and peacefully. Squeeze away on that sucker 😚
B*-😘 Thanks again for last night. I fell asleep easily and woke feeling much better✌️
~~~Just another day…riding the waves of this adventure. As it should be.
You work to consistently walk a line of balance as you witness most blindly going left or right.
It’s when you meet another weaving the same line that your awareness peaks.
Your souls sing the same song.
Your words lay quietly but deeply.
There is meaning and understanding where you never thought you’d find another.
It’s an invigorating and inspiring place of adventure.
Connections are firing and you allow yourself to be free to feel it all.
Exactly where you should be.
An intertwining network of webs keeping you afloat.
A trust is easily built on being open and honest.
A security that is wrapped in a love that just makes sense.
Questions are rarely asked, as there is nothing to lose.
A value and wonder like no other that is effortlessly added to the journey.
The sun shines allowing you to dance within one another’s light.
Yet you are mindful not create shadows of darkness upon one another.
You are not each others to keep yet the universes song of hope.
*Lifting one another to a level no other can
My inner dialogue is out of control.
It throws me into a state of confusion.
Don’t feel it.
Release all that is within.
I feel weak.
I hate being this person.
It’s a scary place.
I’ve lost control.
I’ve been here before.
The fear holds me down.
I struggle not having another.
A comfort that eludes me.
A simple touch to know I’m not alone.
It’s not about the words you speak,
but the calm you give me.
I can’t allow this to consume me.
Searching for a control over my state of mind.
The first step to being free is to find perspective.
It’s this delusional fucking world that has me spinning.
Am I seriously in a world of plastic pretending.
It’s so discouraging.
Yet I must accept that this is my current journey.
Exactly where I should be.
A release of words followed by silence.
Peace of mind in all that is around me.
A desire to find likeminded people.
Striving to better themselves.
Fighting for their truth.
A place where we can self succeed.
I’ve been fucking around with R* since November and as per usual I entered the arrangement with the notion of it being an open relationship. We also understand that there wouldn’t be a future as we’re on a very different journey. Our open relationship afforded R* the ability to date her*, who quickly became his #1. It wasn’t until the other night that I was forced to face a hard truth when R* stated the fact that he doesn’t consider us to be friends. I agreed with his logic yet having the words actually being spoken struck a cord. His remark and the reality of our current statues stems from the fact that forming a real friendship only makes our arrangement messier in the end. It’s a brutal reality but a necessity to keep our feelings in check, yet here I am having a hard time sorting through my emotions. There is no doubt that other factors have brought me to this messy state of mind as I face some pretty deep rooted truths. The feelings of hurt that are associated with being somebody’s secret side piece keeps tripping me up. It’s like I’m replaying the K* situation all over again and I feel utterly defeated. It’s not the fact that R* has another girl that has me spinning but the lack of honesty. I find it fucking infuriating not being on a level playing field. Before entering relationships I am always sure to make it blaringly clear that the only way an open relationship can work is with HONESTY! I label it as ethical non monogamy for a reason. It’s fucking frustrating because lack of honesty breeds unnecessary hurt and yet again it’s this bitch who’s getting stomped. Maybe if I knew the reality of my situation with R* sooner I could have drawn boundaries to be sure I detached from the desire to spend more time with him. Logic keeps telling me that I need to get the fuck out now but my heart and body scream otherwise. Then another hard truth surfaces knowing I would be leaving yet another “relationship” solo, where the other party has the privilege of letting me quietly disappear as they happily continue to form a deeper connection with their #1. This leads me down a dark alley where my negative inner dialogue lurks ready to rear its ugly fucking head. Thanks asshole, I can always depend on you to never leave me alone as you will apparently forever be part of my process.
What the fuck is my reality? It’s clear that I don’t always have the courage to face my truth head on, as it’s a repetitive, tiring piece of shit game of coming to terms with the fact that I am riding solo yet again. This isn’t just in regards to my counterparts in life but all relationships- family, friends and otherwise. For a fleeting moment a trust is lost, not only in others but within myself as I struggle to figure out who the fuck is actually good for me. I have found myself in this head space more often than not lately as life keeps throwing major curve balls at me. There is no doubt that I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my life which I realize is a skewed desire as control is misguided and unattainable but it doesn’t mean I don’t do my best to own and control what I can. It’s actually why my blog entries are few and far between these days as I attempt to keep dodging the shit bombs these mother fuckers throw at me. There are some major aspects in my life that have become so fucking blurred my emotional state can’t seem to handle any kind of hiccup. To boot my inner dialogue keeps blowing shit up. I try my hardest to let things be but it’s a tricky hand to play. At times it has me avoiding my reality and I end up doing myself a major disservice by stifling the emotions that come with getting shit kicked in the guts, only to have them surface at the most inopportune times. Initially when I am bitched slapped to the curb my state of mind is a shit show as questions swarm my head like a tornado. When I’m in the midst of it I can’t seem to grasp even one solid, legit thought of control to make myself feel better. Lucky for me the process is swift and I pull my ugly, big girl panties on and venture through the next battlefield. My ex E* once said, “even good people will take advantage of good people.” BULLSHIT, that’s a douchebag pretending to be a good person and he surely taught me that. Fucking asshole! I just keep getting fucked by a bunch of actors. With all that I have gone through in this life it will seriously be worth it if on my death bed I’m told that I’ve been living the B show (Truman show)! HAHA! Can you tell I am little tired and jaded by people’s bullshit. Lucky for me I am an optimistic asshole and this shit only gets the best of me for a short while. The major take away is pretty clear at this point, in the fact that my inner turmoil comes from not facing my feelings head on. This is why speed bumps can completely throw me off my game if I’m already facing major challenges. I tend to crash so hard that it feels utterly unbearable in the moment. Then I continue to stumble as I grasp for any kind of help trying not to hit the pavement and rip my fucking face completely off. I further spin out of control as I scramble, realizing I don’t have anybody to hold onto except myself. The speed bump is the tipping point to setting my inner dialogue off, amping up my emotional state to fuck this shit kinda levels. This is when I have to buck the fuck up and become firm with my inner bitch in an effort to gain control.
My current struggle is figuring out how I move forward with R* and it’s clear that my inner dialogue is in a battle of wits. I keep coming back to the idea that having him in my life is better than nothing….. BUT IS IT??? It’s a fierce game as I attempt to detach by keeping my distance. I try my fucking best to keep the reality of our arrangement at the forefront but it sure as shit doesn’t mean my feelings don’t attempt at blowing me up every once and awhile. WHYYYYYY?! Is it worth it? Am I better off alone? Should I spare myself anymore hurt and pull the ripcord now? Good fucking lord am I just another piece of meat willingly being served at his convenience? There’s no doubt I benefit from our arrangement but it surely isn’t to the degree he does. Fuck me, how did I get here again?! Logically it’s fucking black and white at this point but my moral compass is highjacked and it pisses me off that I’m here not of my own doing but of his. It’s obvious I want to continue enjoying the time I have with him but I fight with the idea that I’m the weakest fucking link and this bitch hates being that person. My logic continues to scream at me… Who has more to gain from this? Where does my value lay in regards to his life? Is it really worth the fun release to smother my innate human nature and desire to form genuine connections with people? Fuck no. Here I am, once again willing to put myself last. What a stupid fucking game I play. Wow, clearly I still have some hard lessons to learn when it comes to building healthy relationships. I was telling a friend yesterday about the fact that I am sure this lifetime of growth is for the sole purpose of figuring out how to form healthy relationships because every time I turn around I’m jumping ship and swimming to the next boat of mishaps. At least through this adventure it has gone from drowning in an ocean of sharks, to finding a small life preserver. Now I’m finally boarding mother fucking boats waiting on the right yacht full of enlightened souls, haha! Thankfully the boats I keep boarding are getting consistently better!
Yes, I have found myself on yet another sinking boat and I would have to say that it’s due my easy going nature that makes me a fucking sucker for punishment. In my 35yrs on this mother fucking earth I have yet to be somebody’s first and like a dumb fuck I continue to afford others the privilege. Those pricks are eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner, while I’m being served shit on a never ending conveyer belt. I hate demanding anything of others as it creates unneeded pressure and expectation which brings me to my number one fault in allowing others to take advantage of my good nature. I make it easy for people to brush my needs to the waste side and treat me with less respect and integrity than I have afforded them. Not only has this always been my nature, as I’m very much a giver and not a taker, it also comes from a deep rooted learned behaviour. From my first memories as a child my mother beat it into me on a daily basis that I was lesser than everybody else which also plays into why I still struggle to smother my ugly negative inner dialogue as a grown ass adult. One of my survival tactics was to always see the good in people which made me a sucker for affording others the chance to repetitively treat me like shit. I still live by this delusional expectation that people will treat me the way I treat them. Pretty sure that’s a fucking life lesson that is suppose to stand up to the test of time but somehow it keeps failing me. As you can see I very much have the ability to communicate people into the ground with my never-ending word vomits yet I continue to fail in my efforts to find people who will openly share their truth with me. Smash those good qualities together and apparently it makes me a weak target therefor people easily put me at the bottom of the totem pole and this stupid fuck face continues to willingly accept it as my place. At the end of the day I quietly walk away and disappear into the shadows until I serve a purpose in their lives again, this being a learned behaviour as well. Fuck this shit, I’m done. Maybe this is why I constantly push people away, in an effort to find my independence and strength. It isn’t a surprise when the people in my life express their concern that I run from my emotions and push people away, but what they fail to see is that I am actually doing it in an effort to take my control back. By doing this I gain perspective more easily so I can figure out how to draw healthy boundaries and thus far this process has been working for me. Initially when I face hardship my deep rooted learned behaviour of avoiding the emotional aspects has me stealthily shoving that shit within, turning it into a ticking bomb and when it eventually explodes in the form of an emotional overload I find safety within my own space by physically shutting everybody off. This tends to freak people out because not only do I disappear, I randomly and obnoxiously reappear by word vomiting them into oblivion as I attempt to process everything in warp speed. The hiding aspect comes from a fear of not wanting people to see me fall apart which is an attempt to protect my ego and sharing my process and truth keeps the people in my life up to speed, without allowing them to actually see me go through it. My only hope is that one day I will be able to find at least one unlucky asshole I can form a genuine connection with who will afford me the ability to be truly vulnerable, without hesitation and fear. At this rate it’s always easy coming back to my self proclaimed loner statues because this bitch never disappoints and if I do I’m the first to fess up to it. With that said I am very aware that I won’t find growth by hiding behind my fears so I am careful to only claim my loner statues for a short ride. Hardship will never stop me from adventuring on and speaking my truth, I just choose to process it in the form that has thus far worked for me. I can at least be thankful that when I question myself, the process and my current state I become more aware of my role, what I have control over and the purpose my circle of peeps are serving. Lucky for me when I ride solo I make healthier life choices which affords me the ability to find balance, clarity, happiness and strength for the next adventure. As I become more fierce and find my place in this messy game we call life there is no doubt that I will falter less and become more resilient when douchefucks try to yank at me.
Wrap it up…
It’s clear that I’ve been running from the R* head space for awhile now, but I have to appreciate that the time has come to face my reality and work through the icky feelings. Initially as I cried my way through the messy thoughts I had the urge to run and shut down by cutting him completely out of the equation without allowing him or myself any kind of closure. This is when I have to force myself to face it head on and be sure that I work through every thought and emotion before I can come back to a place where I am able to refocus my efforts on creating healthy boundaries. This comes down to understanding and appreciating that this is exactly where I need to be in order to delve into the next adventure. My MO of finding distractions in people only serves me for so long, before they start to dissipate and I have to face my truth alone. It really comes down to the fact that I am wasting energy and time on being peoples second to last, that I am not affording myself the ability to be somebody’s first. I have to remind myself that I will do just fine without the surface relationships in my life, and that I am indeed better off adventuring solo. At this very moment I feel like I need a major reset in all aspects of my life. If my journey has taught me anything, it is the fact that everything has an ending. All things in life are impermanent and it’s when we start grasping and clenching onto things that no longer serve a purpose in our journey that we slip up and smother our growth. I believe that if things are meant to be, there is a glue that will keep it together and you will always come back to it. The glue that continues to hold me together is accepting that as I figure out what healthy relationships are I have to let go of the desire to hold onto people who refuse to respect and value all that I have to offer. I have learned that the only way to truly move forward is to feel it all, allow myself to let it be, let it go, and move the fuck on without allowing it completely break me.
~The love of oneself is always an ideal but the love of another gives you an energy and value that in times of hardship you are not able to afford yourself.
*You accept the love you think you deserve.
This was my first official journal which was gifted to me over two years ago by K*. No kidding it was by far the most significant and meaningful gift I have ever received in my life. Obviously the words he wrote in the journal and card were indeed what held the most meaning. The journal soon became a place that was sacred to me, where I could truly allow myself to be vulnerable. It eventually evolved into an obsession with journaling and in turn was a jumping point for my love of writing. I specifically kept this journal for K* and all my thoughts of love and desire that encapsulated the idea of him. I slowly stopped writing in it almost a year ago as my mind became quiet and I did my best to close a chapter in my life that held an immense amount of meaning. K* was a significant part of my growth and a constant inspiration to fight for what I deserved in life. He supported me the best he could but we eventually drifted apart as we tried to come to terms with the idea that our paths were only destined to collide for a short time. Before I knew it I was soon on a journey to release K* in an effort to allow him to be happy with another, yet through it all I knew I’d always hold a place for him in my heart. As the past year slipped by the thought of K* and the love I had for him would still sporadically surface. I continued to hold onto the idea of him until he finally drew a hard line with me this past fall. It no doubtably caught me off guard but I could fully understand and appreciate his need to do so, as he became more serious with his new counterpart. I let go quite easily convincing myself that all he saw in me was a sexual piece of meat that he couldn’t be friends with out of fear of cheating on his girlfriend. I still saw him around town and we kept it purely friendly, even though I would walk away with this heavy feeling in my heart.
It wasn’t until last week that I found myself scribbling in the journal again which came after finally nailing K* down for a legit hang out. We hadn’t really faced one another since he abruptly cut our friendship short so I found myself going into it with the hopes of finding closure. My intention was to confront him on the never ending story that replayed in my head. I constantly fought with the idea that he never really gave me a fair shot so I was determined to state it as such and also voice the fact that it really sucked that we couldn’t even be friends after the fact. My goal was nothing more than to speak the words and let it be but our interaction ended up spinning a web of unexpected words that had me tangled in a burning desire to be with him again. I found myself willingly ripping my heart open and allowing myself to truly be vulnerable. It surely was an emotionally driven word vomit at its best. This was obviously not done for my own selfish gains as I would never want to pressure or guilt K* into being with me again. I knew the reality of his current situation and he is very much in a committed relationship. I made my intentions extremely clear, in the fact that these were merely words and feelings that I needed to allow myself to release so I could move forward, with or without him in my life. I had no expectation of him leaving his girlfriend for me, as that is his own journey and really shouldn’t be driven by or for me. If he ever chooses to leave her, sooner or later, it needs to come from confidence in knowing that in his heart he no longer wants to be with her. At this point I am merely a distant shadow as he figures out what he wants in his life. At the very least if we have anything to gain from this whole thing is the fact that we were finally able to verbalize our feelings for one another, which was a much needed release of deep rooted emotions, in turn affording us the ability to find growth through sharing our truth and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
It was empowering to finally allow myself to just say what I felt without the fear of not having it reciprocated. I guess you could say that I found the courage to speak my truth because I had nothing to lose as I had already lost K* to her long ago. Here I was finally able to release the words and energy that held my thoughts prisoner. Now after all that has been said, when I come back to the love I have for him, I can more easily let it be because he knows exactly where I stand. At the end of the day if that doesn’t translate into him being with me, I am ok with that. If he decides not to adventure with me, I can at least be extremely confident that he knew exactly where I stood. If this life has taught me anything through my journey it is the fact that just because you may feel a certain way doesn’t mean others are going to be on the same page. As long as you are owning what you have control over, doing your best and never hurting others out of malicious intent, you surely are winning in life. It then becomes much easier to understand your self worth and release what no longer serves you. Holding onto the love and desire I had for K* without him knowing did me absolutely no good. Now that he knows where I stand in regards to him being in my life I can easily move forward knowing our journey has come to a place where it was meant to be and my thoughts of second guessing the adventure will dissipate completely. This has given me a renewed hope for the endless possibilities this life brings as I keep sharing my truth in an effort to be my authentic self. There will always be an appreciation for the fact that things may not always come to the “ending” in which you desire but I realize the adventure is surely worth it nonetheless.
She no longer hid behind the fear others imbedded within her.
She fought to set herself free.
She strived for her truth amongst the rip tides.
She crashed onto the shore of survival.
She was weak and battered yet her inner strength pushed through.
Then you found her, at the beginning of her journey.
You quietly and carefully let her see only what you chose as your truth.
She understood as she saw your truth better than you could.
It soon became clouded and confused with emotions that weren’t anticipated.
It evolved into something you weren’t willing to accept, so you let her go.
Yet deep within she secretly held onto her love for you.
She often wondered if the thought of her would bring you back.
It wasn’t until she was gone that you realized there was more to her than you allowed yourself to feel.
*Is she worth it?
And there he was
In front of me the whole time
How could I not see it
The love within
I put up barriers
Walls to keep him out
But who was I hurting
Myself no doubt
He comes and goes
He never stays
I push and pull
For all to wait
Will he stay
Will he go
Why the mystery
Speak your truth
Ask him to stay
No other way